Walking the Long Road

The thought came to me again and again, how hard must I keep fighting, why won't people do anything. I am so tired of this. Am I doing the right thing, going in the right direction?

My son needs an evaluation, if not treatment, for the behaviors that got him into trouble back in December 2009. I've been asking, questioning, talking, and trying with nothing more done, than to for a treatment "professional" to finally say okay - he needs to see a specific provider. Now we are back to the damn waiting game for said specific provider to call us back. Maddening part is my child may be losing his health insurance in the middle of all of this, so then we are back to where we were over a year ago. I just don't know if I have the fight within me to see that he gets help so he might have a better life, full of choices and opportunities, a future. I wonder if it is even worth it or if I should just forget and try to move on. I don't know the answer anymore.

When I signed up to be a parent 14 years ago, no where in my readings and conversations with others, did it come up about how hard and long of a fight things could be if you have a child with multiple levels of special needs. I thought I was going to have the most perfect child after all, I had prenatal care, ate well, didn't drink or smoke, worked regularly, was in good health. No one discussed our family's genetics, mental health issues, and learning disabilities, it was just presumed that since me and my other siblings grew up "okay", all our children would be fine. Unfortunately that was not the case and here I am looking back and thinking about the future.

When is it okay as a parent to settle? When is it okay to just say I guess we tried, let's move on, hope for the best? When is it time to say, let's keep at it?

I don't know anymore and am almost too tired to care. Meaning, I need more time to think.

Me

I had forgotten the power of just being able to put things down in writing can be therapeutic in and of itself. Yesterday after I had finished my thoughts, new thoughts and feelings came to my mind and validated for me that my old process still works. I was finally able to let some things go and feel more relief and a little bit of clarity. I guess I just had to formally do some housekeeping in my mind and spirit.

Clarity for me was realizing that my passion is more than just helping others help themselves (empowerment and self-efficacy), it's about understanding why things are they way they are and then following up with the question or questions of just because it is this or that way, should it be and depending on the answer what needs to be done differently and how do we get there (research and challenging authority and the status quo). It's also about removing or eliminating barriers (equality); making things that are wrong - right, again, or right, now (social justice); and teaching others about these things so they can go forth and carry things on.

Some of this can be done through counseling and the approach I try to take in helping people identify and use their tools and strengths to help themselves and make the changes they want in their life, as well as through empowering people to believe they can do it and that they have the skills to do it (self-efficacy). Yet I want to do more, working on a direct level isn't where my passion lies. I know anything I put my mind and heart into, I am good at. Over the past day, I am finally recalling why I made the choice in the past to go into direct practice, instead of going straight into policy or "PAC". I needed to understand the practical, real-world piece of being in the direct practice trenches in order to be able to make more informed decisions and choices when I finally reached a position of influence and leadership. I've been gaining this experience, at times painfully, over the past 1.5 years. I am now becoming aware of how it will help me do what I want to do in the future. I want to run my own business, I want to make policy changes, I want to do research, I want to teach, I want to do things on more of mezzo and macro level and not just at the micro level.

Yes these things are all possible to do as a social worker, that's why I love this profession, yet unfortunately, there isn't the pay or influence in just being a social worker and I don't see that changing anytime in the near-term (for many reasons, political and professional - a conversation for another posting, another time). I want to do not only well professionally, I also want to be able to make a decent and sustainable wages and benefits for my family as well, something I'm really struggling with as a social worker. For some, it may seem that I'm being haughty or prideful; myself I see it as I'm being realistic and pragmatic, something I've generally always been good at. I realize somethings need to change and only I can create this change that I am desiring. I feel I need something more from outside of my profession in order to make the changes I feel are needed to this profession and other areas.

A wise family-member-to-be said to me recently, you've got to have a specific job in mind before you take on any more advanced education and I've been working on developing that job in my head. I'm not ready to put to much down on paper yet as it is still in its infancy. I know I am good at working with children and to some extent their families. I am able to use my skills to be genuine and honest which allows people to open up and be themselves. I have become a better listener and have become more perceptive to what people bring to me below the surface of their words. I can bring people together and I can also drive them apart. I can calm down a situation as well as energize it up. I can move about different groups and cultures and people and be culturally sensitive, respectful, and mindful. I love to learn and try out new things and I have a head for numbers and facts. I am able to create processes and procedures and I'm very intuitive when it comes to computer software/programs. It's taking my life experiences and those of some of my family members and using them to guide me through processes These are things honed from a variety of life and work experiences and things that make me, me. The job I have and will do will allow me to use all these things and more. I have a feeling, a sense if you will about the type of job to pursue, the details of it will come to me the more I prepare. I am confident and feeling strongly that in order to do these things and more, I need to go back to college for some additional, specific training.

I've resolved myself to doing what I need to do to get through the next couple of years in order to get my finances further in order so I can go back to school. I've decided that I will keep doing what little I can to create change at my work place for things that I feel will make me a better therapist/counselor, yet at the same time sit with things the way they are and not take it personal anymore; be like water flowing off of a duck's back. I will set and hold to more firm boundaries regarding my family and personal time that I will not set aside just because someone else has a need at work. I can be flexible, but there is such a thing as being too flexible and that is where I have been. I will also keep looking at options to see if other things that come up job wise will be a better fit for me and my family and our needs, but I won't let it consume me. If I don't find anything, that's okay too. No matter what, I am going to keep the focus on getting my two+ years of clinical supervision and work through the games and challenges of working for community mental health/behavioral health providers and move on. I am going to be more focused on networking and growing my professional contacts, especially since this may be the only way I can find another job during this down economy.

I feel like I am shedding the weight of the past that has surrounded me for the longest time. I am growing and developing, which has been very painful and like anything else that needs to be refined, what must occur in order to create and make better.

My musings have ended for the moment.

Note to self: I will have to print out part of this post and put it up on my wall at home to remind me of what it is I am doing and my purpose. I need to find a picture of water coming off of a duck to remind me :-) as well.

Me

I've been struggling with so many things for what seems like an eternity, from work to my son, from finances to hopes and dreams, that I now feel all wrung out. Most days have been melancholy, my thoughts floating on a sea of gray, just going through the motions to make it to another day. Yet, more often of late, some of my thoughts have been downright dark and stormy, the darkest of the dark, where I was grasping at anything to slow my descent into the abyss. I've been wishing my struggles were lighter, longing for relief of any kind. Fortunately or unfortunately, my body reached a stopping point this week and I got sick.

Doctor said it could be a cold or allergies based on my achy neck, runny nose, and semi-sore throat, and general feeling of being run down and they also noted strep exposure since my son got Dx with it earlier this week, but they weren't sure. I don't really care what I have, except that it has been so difficult because of how fatigued I have felt this entire time. It's like I could sleep for days, yet my body won't let me. So I called into work and have spent the last couple of days trying to recuperate. All this down time has left me with lots of things I can waste time on like Facebook, however, it has left me with more time to think.

I've been reflecting on where I am at in my life, what I want, what I don't want, what I can or cannot do about things. Things are not certainly what I would have expected when I was dreaming and hoping what my life would be like now, two years ago in graduate school. I had hoped I would be doing something I love, for a company that I could enjoy being a part of, with my family doing all of the things family's do.

How different are my dreams from then, to my reality of today. I enjoy being a counselor, but I cannot say right now that I love it. I am almost to the point of hating the company I am working for, and my family is fractured, yet slowly healing in pieces, though so much more work needs to be done.

So what does this all mean I've been wondering? What are my goals? What do I really want out of life and what am I willing to do to achieve them?

I really don't know and that is the strangest part of my reality right now.

In the past I've been able to look at things and consider all the options; get input from others; meditate; make a final gut check about what to do, where to head, who to talk to, etc.; take action; and then evaluate/reassess and begin process anew.

Right now I'm stuck. I've not been able to get through the meditation and final gut checks. It feels like I've been stuck for months and just floundering in some kind of circular logic. Which has lead me to start to second guess myself, my process, my motivations, even my sanity, as well as be frustrated, angry, and upset. Am I asking the wrong questions? Am I looking at the wrong areas? What am I supposed to do?

I think I had some misguided or naive notion that when I went to work out of graduate school, I would find some place that would continue to shape and mold me and allow me to grow and develop into the best counselor/therapist I could be. Instead, I've gone from putting out one fire after another, to cleaning up mess after mess, after mess left behind by other so called "professionals", to doing the things that no one else wants to or will do. I've been dealing with not feeling as respected and not being treated as professionally as I see my peers at work being treated. I feel taken advantage of and used, neither in nice ways. I feel like people are blowing smoke up my ass telling me how "good" of a therapist/counselor I am, yet I know so little and I am receiving so little guidance. I want to do no harm and am unsure if the clinical decisions I make are correct or the right ones. I'm losing my passion and drive for counseling/therapy.

I feel that I could handle everything else on my plate right now, if only my work life stabilized, if I could just figure things out. I know that I want what my fellow therapists have at the office that I don't have in regards to working conditions. I fucking hate double speak, where I'm told I have to do something, but given no support to do it, and told to take care of it on my own time. I realize I'm exempt, but give me a break, it's not a license to use and abuse me. I want consistent clinical supervision. I detest being a pawn in others games, I detest feeling disrespected and put upon and not getting my needs met.

All I feel like doing at my job now is going through the motions, doing the barest minimum, doing what ever it takes to get my clinical supervision so I can then get my independent license. I'm looking for work and have put applications and cover letters in at several places. Things are slim right now though with all the layoffs that have been happening. I've looked at going to work up where my mother is, in her area, however, things don't appear to be much better there with the chance of layoffs in the future if they don't reduce their workforce through attrition in other areas but children's services and there are additional considerations involving my children, their educational and socialemotional needs, and me being away from my oldest child. I'm not sure I want to go through all of that at this time.

I meditate at night on "clarity", I've taken this time I've been sick at home thinking about "clarity", nothing is coming to me. I wonder if I should just give up trying to find an answer and just go through the motions, yet I know myself, I cannot be a shell of who I am and what I believe in and value. So there again I am at my circle. Walk away from thinking about things and just let things be - conflicted and no resolution. Keep going around and around, trying different questions - more conflict, no resolution.

I know no matter what, I want to get my student loans paid off and go back to school, maybe a PhD for research and teaching and/or a law degree for the areas of education/disability and LD.

Tonight, I am going to take a little break from all my thinking and allow for a solution to come to me. I know need to figure out my passion(s) and what I want to do. I need to look at what it is I like, why do I like it, and how I can do more of it. For there my answers lie.

Me

Got the mail today and received the news I've been waiting for with trepidation for about a month now. Charged with 2 felony counts and court will be in a little less than a month. I only found out about the specific charges because they sent me both letters instead of sending the one to the other parent's house. So I had to drive it over there and have an hour long (and heated at times) discussion about what was in the papers and what to expect and/or plan for.

It's so hard to think and feel much except for sadness...sadness that things have come down to this and their life has changed for ever. All I can hope and pray is that things will work out for the best. It's hard for me to accept that things are truly out of my hands and all I can do is mentally and emotionally prepare for the unknown. Will they be put on probation and ordered intensive counseling, or out-of-home placement/residential treatment, or will the system be draconian and order them incarcerated with no hope for help? I want a crystal ball, I want the answers, I hate living with uncertainty. But uncertainty is going to be a new companion, so if I want to retain my sanity, I will have to find a way to embrace, if not that, accept more uncertainty.

I strongly believe that if they get the appropriate help now and assistance with their other needs, this will never, ever, happen again. How I can convince others of this and stress that this is what needs to happen, I don't know. I'm fighting a losing battle with the other parent. Their goals are to not have to spend anything or be made to do anything. How could I have made such a crappy choice when I decided way back in the day to get married to them and all that followed.

I'm so scared and there is so little information out there for me. It also sucks that I don't have any money to hire someone to help me. I wish I knew where to go and whom to talk with that could provide something for me and my family and make sure we would all be taken care of in the most appropriate manner. So I will do the best that I can and figure out what I can do.

Me

It's so frustrating for me right now. I know I am NOT the only mother/parent that is going through the things that I am right now, but as of right now, I have not found a single support group in my area (or even online for that matter) for my particular circumstances. I've decided that I am going to see what supports are out there for the parents of victims and pursue it that way, understanding and realizing that it is only meeting a part of my needs, if any at all.

On the other hand I learned today more information about what services are out there for one of my children. Can you say next to none...and most of what is available doesn't take insurance. So good/bad is things would have to be paid out of pocket, but you don't have to deal with privacy and insurance companies.

What seems unjust and upsetting right now is no matter what, it looks like I/me will have to pay for both victim and offender services....I'm in a no-win situation. I'm desperately trying to reframe my thoughts and think about the things that I will be providing is for the best needs of the children. However, I am extremely angry, very aggravated, and frustrated, especially since a lot of things could have been prevented/worked on if the other parent had actually done their job and parented instead of being the best friend/Disneyland/laissez faire parent. Now

I feel like I am having to fight this fight alone. I don't know where to turn to, who to go to, or what to do and it's hard, so hard, so draining, so lonely. I can't go to my husband because he is in denial, angry, and doesn't want to deal with or face/address anything. So I have to rely upon myself and figure things out. It's hard because I am getting so resentful and angry at him and want him to be there with me and share these burdens, but I can't force another to walk this path with me. I've shared my feelings and used the "I" statements, but rolling boulders uphill has been proven to be easier and more effective. What truly scares me is that there is a real possibility of these feelings becoming a rift, if not a full divide, between us. Which I know through my training and previous life experience, could be an undoing of our relationship.

So again, what to do and how to deal with it, I don't know. I know I will figure things out and it will be interesting to see what things look like when I come out on the other side of this. I am beginning to be aware that I am actually a lot stronger that I think, braver than I know, and able to maintain hope even in the face of insurmountable odds.

Me

This symbol repeatedly has come to symbolize me and my life. Why a Phoenix? Because...according to various legends/myths...out of the ashes of its former self, it rises, reborn to live anew, till it becomes time for the cycle to circle back.

I have begun to sense that this time is coming again on a grand scale - metaphorically speaking - the ending of my way of current life, a way of being, is coming to and end....thus soon it will be a time for new beginnings.

This is the first time I have been fully conscious of this process happening.

The last time I went through this process, was the beginning of 2001 through early 2002...as my marriage fell apart; as I became pregnant with my second child; as I moved out on my own, alone, for the first time ever in my life at the age of 27 yo; as I became a single parent; as I continued on with college and found my calling in social work; as I began to take control over my life and stopped letting my past traumas and abuses haunt my life; as well as not letting others dictate how I should or should not be.

I got my Phoenix tattoo then...at the very beginning of that process...unaware at the time, of what it fully meant and would come to mean and symbolize to me.

I have to ponder and think some more on this new insight I've gained today, as is my nature, but I am getting the deep sense that this is going to be an interesting and unique time.

Me

Today ended up being one of the down days. I've managed to mask most of it, but brief glimpses of sadness leaked out of the seems of the "normal facade" that I have put in place to get through each day of my life.

I went with him to another one of his regular medical appointments this afternoon. It was so hard at the end for me. He's going to lose his medical insurance at the end of the month and there isn't anything I can do about it unless I lie and play games (and hope/pray I wouldn't get caught). I wish I was one of those people that could lie and deceive and not think twice about the consequences, but I can't, that isn't me, so I am stuck, doing the right thing and it is miserable. I have suggested to his father to apply to the state for medical assistance, but I know his father will "make" too much to qualify for state assistance, if he even bothers applying for it. I won't be in a position to even qualify for medical until I get a job after school is done in May. The one person in this entire family that absolutely must have health insurance is going to most likely end up without. All because of his stupid, dumb, poor choices and actions. I'm so mad at him. I had it all planned out so my family and I would be provided for in all areas, during this time I wouldn't be working, and going to grad school. But it didn't turn out that way. I'm stretching every ounce of medical supply we have to make sure he has enough to last as long as possible for when he is without medical, but there are no guarantees. Additionally, I've budgeted to the bone and I don't have any $$ left to cover anything out of pocket, so I can't pay for anything, which is what I think will end up happening about April or May.

So, it will fall to his father to do something, but I know how that is going to be...like pissing in the wind. He won't be willing or even try to do it, because its going to cost him money and hurt his play $$. (Begin sarcasm)Great news!!! You get what you have always wanted asshole ex-husband!!! Our son gets to be so "strong" and you won't have to keep our son on his medications...and guess what, you can take him to the hospital when he has his asthma attacks and can't breathe, you can take him to the hospital when he gets suicidal again. You can deal with all the drama at school, when he is sent to alternative placement and/or expelled....Hang on folks, this is going to be so exciting to watch....How to help a child self-destruct in 3 months or less....(end sarcasm).

The other bad news for me today was also with my son. My son stated basically that his dad was going to hit him with the belt for each assignment he forgets/forgot to do. How stupid does can an adult be??!?! How is beating a child (or any person for that matter)for any reason including their forgetfulness, ESPECIALLY when they have a diagnosed memory based learning disorder, going to teach them anything or help them remember to do something???? HELLOOOOOO!!!!

My ex is so stupid - you can't beat a person into remembering to do something!!! It would be like me hitting and beating up my ex because he never remembers to take our son to his medical and other appointments on time if at all... so that I could reinforce in his mind for the next appointment not to be late or miss them....sorry that kind of logic doesn't work or make sense but that is the STUPID logic he uses. Its the sign of a stupid and immature parent. He's taken the parenting classes, but obviously the elevator stopped well below the top....and he is most likely too self-absorbed to really give a shit about his son. "But he would do ANYTHING for his son" or so he helps loudly telling me.

All I could do was point out to my son that that isn't supposed to happen, thanked him for feeling safe enough to share it with me, and let him know that if it does happen, he needs to let an adult know such as his resource person at school, a teacher, his counselor, and/or even me. (All I can and will do if he tells me is report it to CPS). At this point the kid is 12 and well past the age of "spankings"/"beatings", in addition to no corporal punishment being written into the custody papers. The kid is in a no-win situation and if CPS does get involved, he would go to foster care unless someone like an aunt/uncle might be able to take him in. He can't come back here, because untreated, he's a danger to the other two.

So I have to sit back and watch my son's life further implode and I can't run in and rescue him. Hell, there is really not much I can do except try and be a positive, supportive, and loving person. So many things are out of my hands and I hate it!!! This is all so wrong and unfair. It wasn't supposed to be like this!!!! I can't change anything or do anything more than what I am doing and it so fucking hurts, I can't stand it. I just want to scream and beat on things and get these feelings out!!! I just want things to be like they were before this latest round of crap in December. It's so not fair. I wanted to be his mom and there for all life has to offer of it, but instead, I am relegated to the sidelines, doing what ever I can, but feeling like it is way too little and doesn't mean much of a damn thing.

I hate this, I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm sad, and I'm lonely. I've got no one to talk to that understands even a smidgen of this hell I'm in. So I keep holding on, praying I and my family will make it through to another side...but what really sucks is this journey down this unknown path has only begun....

Me

Today I went through and packed up all of his clothes, but his socks. Why not his socks, because I hate folding socks!!! Everyone's socks in the house, including his, are in a big pile that I still need to go through. So those will wait for another adventuresome day.

It was not easy doing this. Actually, it totally sucked, but I put off doing this as long as I could. However, he needs them now, so it is time. I can tell you when I bought him each item. Mostly because he had a major growth spurt at the end of this past summer and he helped me pick out his clothes, but also because the others came from what I picked out for his birthday this past fall.

I was crying as I was folding each item, but I got it all done and will take it to him tonight at his dad's house. While I was doing this, I kept thinking about all the things I'm going to miss out on...from the day to day things to the big things, because he can't live with us any more. Sure, I can see him, but it is more like visiting or spending time with me, not spending time as a family, that is lost. I'm not sure how to navigate all of this now, its all uncharted. I miss him so much. I love him so much as my son. But I also hurt so much because of what he's done. Things could take a long while to resolve and none of the solutions are pretty for him (and possibly others). I still don't think he fully understands what the cost and consequences of his actions are and will be (nor does his father) and it is not my place to inform them.

All I can do is love him unconditionally and let things play out, and hopefully help him when and where it is possible and appropriate. I have to do what I can to help my other two, my husband, and myself to heal and move forward. The tears and the pain suck, but I know its part of my grieving process.

Me

Another day filled with tears. A day that was spent only being able to briefly tell a friend we will be here for them, even if it takes a couple of years. A day spent being angry about people, dishonesty, and hopelessness. A day spent grieving and trying to heal hearts torn asunder and not feeling successful about it. A day spent with family. A day sleeping as much as possible to escape. A day spent with quality time with the kids, being joyful, playing games. A day watching the kids play and just being themselves. A day ending a day, a month, a year, and a decade.

This year started off with so much turmoil. Courts and custody problems, a very troubled child, a pay cut, multiple furloughs at work, money problems, struggles with completing my undergraduate internship, but things seemed to improve mid-year. I graduated college after 10 years with my bachelor's, started graduate school, lined up financial support and nailed down resources for the poor, quit my job of 6 years, started a wonderful internship, assisted my husband with going back to school. Then November came around and shit hit the fan, illnesses, a very troubled child, finals, papers, more child troubles, a friend arrested, struggling to pass classes, money problems, and a heaping pile of emotions.

It is amazing that in one year so much can happen. I can't even begin to think in depth about what this past 10 years has been like, but can recall key things like separation, bankruptcy, divorce, 2 more children, a lay-off, a new employer, furloughs, completing my 2- and 4-year degrees, remarriage, friendships, personal growth. During this past 10 years, I went from being 26 to 36 years old and in the course of that time, feeling like two totally different people, but finally coming into my own.

I can't imagine what next year is going to be like, much less what things will be like in 10...but I can hope, pray, and plan that the lessons learned will be used wisely in my future, the future of those that I love, and in my work with others.

Me

I'm taking it day by day, sometimes moment by moment. I feel trapped inside a nightmare, not of my own choosing, desperate to get free. It's all I can do each day to wake up, get out of bed, and get going...my depression is beginning to rear its ugly head after being gone for over a year-and-half. So I just hang in there, trying to piece my life and my family's life back together again.

Yesterday was very hard, especially sitting there with the kiddos to their intakes for counseling services. To hear again and again what happened, has been weighing hard on my soul. The "shoulda, coulda, wouldas" are hitting with a vengeance right now, even though I know intellectually there isn't much more my husband and I could have done except let my son go, and even then, there would have been no guarantees. It doesn't stop the emotional side right now, so I'm holding on and waiting for this storm to pass. I'm glad the kids are feeling safe to share what happened with others, so there is hope for them. That this time will just be a tiny blip on their radar of life.

So the "now what" is one of the stages I am thinking about. Does the DA prosecute or do they just decide there is nothing to do. Either outcome will be rough. Not knowing how these types of cases are usually handled is very difficult for me. I crave knowledge and understanding so I can prepare, and right now, I have neither to guide my way.

The other stage I seem to be at is wondering what is normal and what isn't. I wonder if it is normal for a mother to want and distance herself for a while from the offending child? And I want space from everyone - I have been getting very overwhelmed and angry lately with my family and extended family....These holidays have been the worst for me. I just want to run away, be left alone, not make any more decisions, appointments, plans, schedules for anyone but myself. I don't know what or where my center is anymore and I'm impatient to figure it out and get myself back on track.

Me

The emotions are still raw and painful even after 9 days. Who would have thought, certainly not I, but I've not been through much like this before. I'm managing to minimize their tumultuous nature, to project a facade of normality while amidst others, but in the alone time, in the dark, I cry, I feel, I weep, I ache. It hurts. It is pain to the depths of my soul. Some days, I don't want to awake, I just want to dream it all away, pretend my life was as before. It's ugly, it's raw, and I cannot escape. It's so hard to feel this alone, this strange, knowing but a few have walked in these shoes of mine. I want a crystal ball, I want to know how it is going to all turn out, but that will never be. So I blindly take one step after another, fumbling through my pain and grief, hoping and praying to find solid ground, to find some footing in this new state of reality.

I had hoped and hoped beyond hope, wished and wished more, planned and made plans for those plans, and prayed and begged, that with everything he had, all the help, support, interventions, and love, things would turn out for him...and his story would be different....Different from those whose stories I've seen played out before me, my whole life. But it wasn't to be....

I know a lot of the nature of the beast that has claimed my son. I am painfully familiar with its ever changing course from the heights of soaring eagles, to the depths of hell. I hate my son, I loath him, I despise him, I pity him, I'm scared for him, I miss him, I love him. I hate this duality, but I can't go back, I don't know how.

I curse this illness, this disease that has tangled his mind, this illness that has taken a hold and twisted him, and now robbed me of my son....So I sit here among the ruins and try to piece my life back together again...and that of my family.

I am constantly playing games with "what if...", wondering what I could have done differently for him and for his siblings. I'm torn up inside with guilt...what did I miss, what signs did I not see, what could I have done differently, could his actions have been prevented, and if they had been prevented would there have been a next time.... But the rational brain knows that there isn't anything I could have done differently. His choices where his to make and he made them, but it doesn't make it any easier. I wish I had a crystal ball or were omnipotent... but that is not to be...I am but a humble mother who has lost a part of herself, a part that was more precious than life itself...and so I hurt, a hurt that pales in description, and it is all I can do right now to breathe...breathe through the pain...and hold on....

I'm still beat and school starts again in less than 2 weeks. I'm still trying to 1) find an appropriate attorney and 2) find the $ to pay for it. Sucks being at 130% of the FPL! I've only got 5 weeks till court again and I'm so screwed right now.

I'm hopeful things will work out and doing my best to try and get things to happen, but getting more anxious and nervous it won't as time goes on. I want him to be safe, secure, nurtured, loved, valued, and protected. However, there is a real chance the court will not grant me the relief I seek.

The best news I got yesterday, in spite of all the hell Derek has gone through up to the end of that horrible day this past November, he is doing better. His school is now providing him proper supports through his IEP (still have some additional testing, but that won't impact his eligibility - in fact I think it will further strengthen it), he has a good rapport and is working well with his therapist, he is trying to actively be a part of our family, and he brought his grades up and is now passing ALL subjects. Looking back over 6 weeks ago, where he had nothing but C's, D's & F's, it is really wonderful he did what he needed to do to get everything turned around and now he has A's, B's, and only 1 C. I am so proud of him and keep telling him so!

Unfortunately, he's still very anxious and has a lot of things to work through emotionally, but the person I've always believed in and known as my son is peaking out through the heavy, dark clouds that have shrouded him for so long. I just hope and pray it will continue, even if my worst case scenario happens - that he has to start spending any real length of time w/his dad, especially unsupervised.

More Later,
Me

The kids and I went and voted today, in person, this afternoon!! It is truly wonderful that I was able to share this experience with them. I'm so grateful that I have the right to vote and make my voice heard!!!!!

I really am grateful to all of those who fought to give me this right and will forever be in their debt. I am so humbled that they fought and struggled for what they believed in and created change so that all Americans to have an equal voice.

So each and every time it is time to vote - no matter what I am doing, how busy or tired I am - I think back to the women in my family who couldn't vote before 1920, and make sure I am prepared and always vote. I see this as my duty and my responsibility. I strongly believe in our democratic republic and want to pass on the honor, duty, and responsibility of being a good citizen to my children.

I'm tired!

I finally got work hours changed and my field placement changed. But now I'm back to work problems.

I've got the opportunity for growth and more (groan) change or the opportunity to do more of the same and play it safe for a while.

With all the changes - daily, if not hourly - I'm tired. But my thoughts keep circling - do I have the stamina, courage, and perseverance to go ahead and try something new/different or is it a time to play it safe and regroup.

Neither my current job at work or the new position I can apply for will guarantee longevity or security. However, a change will give me more skills and no change will leave me with energy to look outside.

I want a crystal ball, I want the answers, I want surety.
Such is my life.
Me

Well, it's official. I am getting to be a pro at handling crises with my family - specifically my kids.

Sunday afternoon was really nice (perfect) weather, so all of us were working on the yard pulling weeds and making it look presentable to the neighborhood again (hey, they were only 2 feet tall across the rock this time). When it was all done, the kids and I started playing basketball and shooting hoops out front, in the driveway.

Well, Derek made another lay-up, about the 40th one or so he had done that afternoon, but this time when he went off to a side of the hoop, ran in to a nice (rather large size) rock holding down the base of the basketball hoop, and then made a loop back towards the driveway hopping on one leg.

Mind you, when I saw what he did and how he was hopping, I already knew one of two things happened. A) broken bone or B) large cut/gash. Guess what - I was right - answer B - 1" deep gash to his right shin.

Well, let me tell you what happened next. Derek sat down in a lawn chair that was out on the driveway, looked down at his leg, and proceeded to scream, cry, and generally lose it (can you say he doesn't like the sight of blood?).

So here I am out there with all 3 kids (wouldn't you know it that Todd and Ken had just gone inside the house about 5 min prior to the accident) with one freaking out, and the other two starting to freak out because big brother was freaking out. So what do I do, I calmly grab Derek's leg, push together the leg muscle and skin on either side of the cut (to slow/staunch the bleeding), and quite calmly, but firmly call out "Derek, Derek..." until I got his attention.

It was weird, all of a sudden he stopped mid cry, looked at me, and then I was able to tell him to give me his hands, which he did after a moment or two. I took his hands and then I put them where I had had my hands and I told him to sit there and hold it. I would be right back. He did that and I went in to the house, hollered for Todd to take care of the other two kids because Derek was hurt, and once he went outside to get them, I went in and grabbed the first aid kit. Then I took and bandaged Derek up and we came back in the house so I could then find some kind of facility open (it happened at 5:45pm).

So I spent the next 20 min finding something open, hoping to save the cost & trip to the ER, and one office said they would check it out and let me know if they could or could not do it. So I had Derek grab a quick bite to nosh on in the car and we were off. After a bit of a drive to another part of town, they got him back in the triage area, where the dr. looked at it and said it was too deep (too many layers of damage) - plus because it went down to the bone, he'd need an x-ray to be certain nothing got chipped.

So I got my re-bandaged Derek back into the car and drove him to the ER (one w/a kids unit). We got there and Derek was so witty and funny. He was pointing out different things and was making all kinds of comments. My favorite of the night was when the nurse was doing triage he pointed out the smiling face pain poster - noting the expressions between 1 and 10 - and calmly, with a straight face pointed out, "I think I'm about a five. That's about right." It was all I could do (the way he said and did it) not to bust out laughing. I just said to the nurse it is so much easier when they can talk!

So Derek and I hung out for a while, the nurse and doctor checked him out and explained what they would need to do. When the dr. mentioned he would get an injection of pain medicine - he just about lost it (he HATES needles) and then be stitched up. So he and I devised a plan where he would squeeze my hand as hard and as long as possible each time he hurt. He squeezed my hand a lot, but he made it through the process - and he didn't even kick the dr. :-)

He got a total of 12 stitches, 4 on the inside and 8 on the outside. Plus he got to have an x-ray. Fortunately, the x-ray showed no damage or chips so all he had to get were the stitches. So after 3 hours at the hospital, I got to take my Derek home - well, to his dad's house and run over the routine and wound care. Derek was so tired (so was I), but he was glad to see his dad and show off his handy work.

What's funny is he told Louis, all happy and excited, that he was catching up to his little brother in stitches - and all I wanted to do was groan (I don't need a stitches contest between those two).

So that is how I started off this week. :-)
I hope it goes more gentle.
Me

So what do you think of the following conversation with my boss:

I was called into one of the conference rooms at work on a Friday - in the middle of my shift - and asked the following 4 questions (and in the middle of it, he pulls out his blackberry and starts reading email...):

1Q) My boss wanted to know if it would be possible for me to start working 10am to 7pm.
1a) I told him no, I went to school in the morning and did field work from 8am until 12:30p each day. Then I come straight to work. This was the scheduled I arranged after I found out they were going to put me on the 1p-10p shift.

2Q) Then he asked me if I was happy and liked doing my job.
2a) I told him yes, except when I get frustrated when the computer systems slows down or crashes. Otherwise I love my job.

3Q) Then he asked me I would be interested in doing something else in the company like admin or ARS (support sales role).
3a) I told him not really. I had come from an administrative assistant job and wasn't really interested in doing that again. I also told him I didn't think there were any support jobs in sales that has my hours.

4Q) Lastly, he asked me if there was enough work in my current job to have someone here until 10pm.
4a) I told him that I was busy until at least 9pm. There are ads/work flow that I need to assign and manage as well as, problems that needed to be resolved before the next shift in the am. He asked me then if some of those problems could be handled by the first person in the morning, and I said some of them could, but not all. It would depend on the type of work.

WTF!!!! I was so rattled Friday, it was all I could do not to leave and go home. But I stuck it out and now am thinking.

After a lot of soul searching and reflection - - - Basically, my final read/take on the situation is this:
1) Our area desperately needs a 4th person to cover days off, middle of the day shifts, etc., but since the latest round of layoffs, that isn't going to happen.
2) The two ladies who work in the morning are bitching and whining because they are "so busy" and need another person during the morning. Yet it's okay for me to run solo at deadline time so they can go home w/o any worries (5-7pm are deadlines and cleanup and one is scheduled off at 4:30p and the other at 5:30p).
3) They are getting ready to get rid of or scale back further the 2nd shift experiment they made all of us work through/apply for back in June of this year.

So basically, he was fishing me out (I've been a manager and around the blocks a few times - and ding-ding, I'm not stupid) to check and see if he could cover his bases and by asking if I could work earlier hours and since I can't he wouldn't feel guilty about finding someone to replace me and have them work the new hours.

Once he's covered his bases (ass) - he and HR basically will let me go, but make it look like I quit, and they wouldn't have to pay me a dime or any severance. How's that, because they would find someone to work my shift because I couldn't and of course they would "offer" me something else, somewhere else, with incompatible hours, which I would be forced to turn down.

I hate the paper. I hate my boss. I so need my 4 year degree!!!

My immediate supervisor is a snake, a brownnoser, who doesn't know how to do anything but go to meetings and be a yes-man, who has his pets, and last of all, someone who doesn't like me.

I know he's pissed off at me still because earlier this summer, I went to his old boss and reported on him, because of the favoritism he shows his pets in the department - i.e. takes one of the other 2 gals in my department to lunch all the time, buys her and the other gal Starbucks in the morning, offers event tickets to his pets and no one else (unless he gets caught)- and because he basically gave me a poor evaluation and with nothing to back up the rating (so his boss made him write a real evaluation which totally torqued him off-but at least I got a real one!).

Once his boss was let go in the middle of last month, I knew something was going to change. So, I'm covering my bases by dealing w/my school field problem and also finding out if I can switch classes and hours (to the pm)- which I'm positive I can the field scheduled, but not maybe the class hours. Then my plan of action is to talk to a former manager/friend and see what support role she has open in her area. If she doesn't have anything, then I'll go back to my boss w/my hours of availability (being the earliest shift - 7:30 to 4:30 and the gal that works that shift-she has no kids, nothing else, but doesn't like to work later cause she's an early bird and a reason I'm being hosed). If neither of those plans of attacks have traction, then I will apply (at a pay cut of course) outside of the company to either 1st or 3rd shift.

So I've got a lot riding right now, several plans of action, and I talked w/Todd. My education is our 1st priority, we cannot get anything or anywhere w/o it. Even if I make it through and they keep the 2nd shift at work, the layoffs are going to happen again and I can't wait and put my education on the back burner again. It's time to do it. So we are looking at making it happen and still survive. It's rough and I just want to cry and give up, but I've got too much riding on me to do so.

More later when I have more info.
Me

I'm extremely frustrated right now. I'm in my 7th week of field and I feel torn in two directions - do I play it safe, put blinders on, and make it to graduation next May or do I stand up for what I believe in, not be taken advantage of, but possibly lose a lot of internship hours and my current placement, and risk not graduating in May.

I'm so frustrated and tired of living with constant knots in my stomach directly related to the circumstances of my field placement. It is taking everything I have each morning to get up and go in to my field placement. I'm beginning to seriously doubt this is what I want to do - but every other part of my being screams at me - YES, you want to be a social worker, there has to be a solution!

Here's a copy of the letter I sent via email Thursday, 10/02/08, to my Faculty Liaison at my university (in addition to two voicemails). I've still not heard a response from my liaison, so I will try again for the forth time on Monday to reach them or someone else in the university.

Problem 1) When I interviewed for my field placement, received orientation, and program orientation, I was not told that transporting clients in my personal vehicle would be a required job function. It was mentioned several times, during the before mentioned interactions, that a need may occasionally arise, where I may need to transport a client, but those would be very infrequent.

However, since the second week of my field placement, I have been asked repeatedly by various people in the agency, to drive (and have driven) clients numerous times. I have been actively trying to find a solution to this problem, however, nothing is working. I brought up my concern in my field class and the professor and students had several suggestions which I have tried (such as politely declining, informing my supervisor, etc.).

However, nothing has changed or improved. Now this week my supervisor assigned me my first case, where in order for me to assist the client, I will need to drive the client and a minor child to various appointments.

I'm extremely frustrated right now. Had it been made clear from the beginning, at my first interview with the agency, that driving clients in my own vehicle was common practice and would be required, not optional, I would not have taken the placement.
1) I cannot afford the additional insurance coverage to adequately protect me and my passengers should something untoward happen while driving;
2) I only have 1 working vehicle for my family to use right now;
3) I have limited funds to cover fuel, vehicle maintenance, and insurance for my family (I am the sole supporter of 5 people as well as a full-time
student) and doing the additional driving is financially impacting my family;
and 4) I have strong reservations and concerns about my own personal safety.

Problem 2) I was informed Wednesday that my agency supervisor is leaving and her last day is tomorrow, October 3, 2008. With my supervisor leaving, I am at a loss of what to do in general, much less with my driving concerns.

I'll post more when I know more, but I'm tired of this stress and frustration.

Please get the word out and help if you can!!!

Thanks,
Leslie
---------------------------------------------

Ride with Ryken: Fundraiser to benefit the MISS Foundation, Tucson

Please share this with your friends in Arizona!

Ride with Ryken (link) http://members. cox. net/ridewithryken/

Welcome to the 1st Annual
"Ride with Ryken"
Poker Run and Silent Auction

to benefit the MISS Foundation

November 9th 2008

Tucson, Arizona

Auction at end for donated prizes!

Final Stop Party with Pig Roast!

And More More More!

FOR INFO EMAIL

ridewithryken@cox.net

I keep reading the news and listening to all the pundits saying why the president needs new powers, congress needs to pass more laws, and the taxpayers need give out more money to bail out business, etc....It's obvious to me - America has turned into a CORPORATE welfare state!

I don’t care which political affiliation you are from – I want to know:

Why are our leaders continuing to encourage everyone, business and citizens, to keep endlessly and mindlessly spending? We need to reframe this argument and ask instead, why aren’t we encouraging people and business to save, be thrifty, and spend and borrow wisely? Over decades, our economy has changed from one of strength and responsibility, to one which mirrors a house of cards and now the cards are starting to fall. I say let them, and then let us rebuild and be responsible.

Our leaders need to support and encourage people and businesses to do the right thing. If that means more regulation and less freedom in the market, then so be it. As it stands right now, America isn’t a capitalist economy, we are a socialist one – we support and prop-up business, and run them, instead of letting them suffer for poor fiscal choices and poor business practices.

If a business is poorly managed and fails, let it fail and hold the owners accountable. Use our legal system to investigate and rectify wrong doing if we need to, but we need to quit rushing the rescue of every “big” business, because it is us – the tax payers – who ends of footing the bill, no one else, and these “big” business are allowed to continue this cycle over and over. You are leaders in our country and you need to hold business and individuals accountable. I believe if we need to pass additional legislation holding them accountable – and make it retroactive, then do so. We need to put all business on notice (including all owners, business mangers, operating officers and boards) that we are going to hold them accountable and keep them honest.

So what about the innocent people who would be impacted if we let poorly run businesses fail? I say let us help them help themselves. Support paid job retraining and/or reeducation; support life skill programs which teach financial planning, borrowing wisely, and living in your means; support small business programs and entrepreneurial loans. We are Americans, we can do anything. We are innovative, creative, supportive, and strong. We are a people who don’t want or need a hand out, but do at times need a hand-up. Let’s build on these strengths instead of propping up poorly run and poorly managed businesses and industries and encouraging endless spending with no saving or fiscal responsibility.

I just sent an email to all of my elected officials expressing my feelings and concerns regarding this. I strongly encourage all of you to do the same - what ever your view are. Maybe if enough of us speak up about what we should and shouldn't have our elected officials do, they might begin to take us - The Citizens - seriously again. WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!!

We the people, by the people, for the people - America!

I'm including links to the current leadership in both the Senate and the House of Representatives as well as other links to find your Senators and Representatives.
http://www.visi.com/juan/congress/cgi-bin/leadership.cgi?site=ctc
http://www.senate.gov/
http://www.house.gov/Welcome.shtml
----------------------------
UPDATE:
**FYI-If you are not a resident of California's 8th Congressional District and are contacting Nancy Pelosi in regard to her role as Speaker, please email her at AmericanVoices@mail.house.gov (I just got this reply from her email address when I contacted her).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYYiw_y2qDI

Had to post it. I'll explain more later, but just came across link and didn't want to forget it.

End of Nick's 1st week of school (he started 8/11)- he brought home a cold for all of us to share. It took me the longest to come down with it, but alas, I did succumb after 1 week of fighting it off.

While I've been ill, I've realized...it's official...yep...I'm a big baby. When I get sick, I get sick, and don't function for days. All I want to do is go to bed and sleep for ever and have no one bug me. Too bad the kids don't believe in that ideal of mine...Hurmph!!

So I've been the bouncy mom (beds are so much fun to jump on when mom is sleeping, look at me bounce); the question & answer mom ("mom, what does this card say", "mom, what does this add up to", "mom..."); the story-time mom (you want to read "Sam the Cat" again); the look mom - "it's Dora..Diego...(or any other favorite cartoon character of Kiarra's)" said in a excited and high-pitched voice only a 2 year old can achieve; and the dead-to-the-world mom (while you sleep, I proceed to get into everything in your bathroom and bedroom and have fun).


Positive - I've only missed Tuesday and Wednesday at work.

Negative - missed first day of school Tuesday 8/26 (did drag my butt out of bed for 6 hours of mandatory orientation for field classes on Monday - but only because "key word" mandatory.) Also missed some orientation with my field placement that I have to make up next week.

So I've decided, I have to change somethings - not sure what yet - maybe diet, vitamins, sleep, moving to a new place, or something else, so I can stay healthy. But in the meantime, I'm back to bed again - for a few more hours of sleep - then it'll be time to get Nick up for school and out the door by 7:15 and then back to bed for a few more hours of oblivion until I have to be in at work at Noon.

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations. You're open to new people and friends, which makes you a pretty popular person. You have one big dream in your life, and you never lose sight of it.

Your Psyche is Red

You are bright, bold, energetic, and intense. Your upbeat, zany energy inspires those who are down. Spontaneous and playful, you also have a courageous and fearless side. When you are too red: you are angry, overprotective, and truly scary. When you don't have enough red: you are depleted and lifeless.

Your Gemstone Says...

You are at peace with your life and your place in the world. You are not greedy or materialistic. You are generally free from desire. You bring calm to environments. You are a good mediator. People consider you to be good luck.

Your Birth Month is May

Unique and creative, you seek your own path in life. You love change and are able to adapt to any situation. Your soul reflects: Sweetness, joy, and a complete life. Your gemstone: Emerald Your flower: Lily of the Valley Your colors: Yellow, red, and green

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 30% Conservative, 70% Liberal Social Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal Personal Responsibility: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal Fiscal Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal Defense and Crime: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

You Have Good Karma

In general, you like to do the right thing when it comes to others. Your caring personality really shines through. Sure, you have your moments of weakness - and occasionally act out. But, all in all, you're karma is good... even with those few dark spots.

Your Power Element is Metal

Your power colors: white, gold, and silver Your energy: contracting Your season: fall You are persistent (and maybe even a little bit stubborn). If you see something you want, you go for it. You have a lot of strength, and it's difficult to get you down. Very logical, you tend to analyze everything going on in your life.

You Are a Question Mark

You seek knowledge and insight in every form possible. You love learning. And while you know a lot, you don't act like a know it all. You're open to learning you're wrong. You ask a lot of questions, collect a lot of data, and always dig deep to find out more. You're naturally curious and inquisitive. You jump to ask a question when the opportunity arises. Your friends see you as interesting, insightful, and thought provoking. (But they're not always up for the intense inquisitions that you love!) You excel in: Higher education You get along best with: The Comma

You Were Born Under:

You are solid, methodical, and you do things right the first time. Even when no one else does, you always believe in yourself. You tend to see the world in black and white, right or wrong. A good memory and eye for details means you tend to thrive at near impossible tasks. You are most compatible with a Snake or Rooster.

Your Personality Cluster is Extraverted Thinking

You are: Organized and logical - a master at puzzles Competitive in almost any arena of life Objective when necessary, but passionate about what you truly love Intolerant of excuses and incompetence

You Are An Atheist

God? No thanks. You're not buying into any religion. They're all bunk to you. You rather focus on what you know is true. You may be a passive non-believer or a rabid atheist activist. But one thing is for sure... no one's going to make you go to church!

You Are 5: The Investigator

You're independent - and a logical analytical thinker. You love learning and ideas... and know things no one else does. Bored by small talk, you refuse to participate in boring conversations. You are open minded. A visionary. You understand the world and may change it. At Your Best: You are sharp, inventive, and creative. You have the skills to lead the world. At Your Worst: You are reclusive, weird, and a bit paranoid. Your Fixation: Greed Your Primary Fear: Being useless or incompetent Your Primary Desire: Being competent and needed Other Number 5's: Bill Gates, John Lennon, Kurt Cobain, Bjork, and Stephen Hawking.

Your Inner Color is Purple

Your Personality: You're a dreamer and visionary. You believe you were put on this earth to do something great. You in Love: You're very passionate but often too busy for love. You need a partner who sees your vision and adopts it as their own. Your Career: You need a job that helps you make a difference. You have a bright future as a guru, politician, teacher, or musician.

Your Life Path Number is 8




Your purpose in life is to help others succeed

You are both a natural leader and a natural success. You are also a great judge of character.

You have a head for business and finance. You know how to make money.

A great visionary, you can see gold where other people see nothing.

In love, you are very generous - with gifts, time, and guidance.

You love to inspire people, but it can be frustrating when they don't understand your vision.

Great success comes easily for you. But so does great failure, as you are very reckless.

You are confident, and sometimes this confidence borders on arrogance.

You've Changed 60% in 10 Years

You've done a good job changing with the times, but deep down, you're still the same person. You're clothes, job, and friends may have changed some - but it hasn't changed you.

You Scored an A

You got 10/10 questions correct. It's pretty obvious that you don't make basic grammatical errors. If anything, you're annoyed when people make simple mistakes on their blogs. As far as people with bad grammar go, you know they're only human. And it's humanity and its current condition that truly disturb you sometimes.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have low neuroticism. You are very emotionally stable and mentally together. Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly. Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

You Are An ISTJ

The Duty Fulfiller You are responsible, reliable, and hardworking - you get the job done. You prefer productive hobbies, like woodworking or knittings. Quiet and serious, you are well prepared for whatever life hands you. Conservative and down-to-earth, you hardly ever do anything crazy. In love, you are loyal and honest. If you commit yourself to someone, then you're fully committed. For you, love is something that happens naturally. And you don't need romantic gestures to feel loved. At work, you remember details well and are happy to take on any responsibility. You would make a great business executive, accountant, or lawyer. How you see yourself: Decisive, stable, and dependable When other people don't get you, they see you as: Boring, conservative, and egotistical

You Are An INTP

The Thinker You are analytical and logical - and on a quest to learn everything you can. Smart and complex, you always love a new intellectual challenge. Your biggest pet peeve is people who slow you down with trivial chit chat. A quiet maverick, you tend to ignore rules and authority whenever you feel like it. In love, you are an easy person to fall for. But not an easy person to stay in love with. Although you are quite flexible, you often come off as aloof or argumentative. At work, you are both a logical and creative thinker. You are great at solving problems. You would make an excellent mathematician, programmer, or professor. How you see yourself: Creative, fair, and tough-minded When other people don't get you, they see you as: arrogant, cold, and robotic

Why does it seem a lot of different people, from various backgrounds, ethnicities, religions, cultures, ages, and genders only do the bare minimum at work?

Why do I feel a sense of urgency and others don't, especially in a deadline driven field?

I'm so frustrated...I have a really hard time seeing a need and not filling it - even if it isn't in my "area" of responsibility. So why don't others?!?!?!

So...should hold others to my standards or am I just filling up my bag with rocks that don't need to be there?

Why does this bug me so much?

Why do I even care?

Should I even care?

Somethings for me to ponder more.

Me

Here's Nich showing off his finished school project. It's Saffy - A Bengal Tiger he is going to show off tomorrow night at his school with the rest of his class (04/17/08). He did an EXCELLENT JOB!!!!

He helped Todd and I kneed the modeling clay to make it brown, made 3 deer out of it, and painted the box. All Todd and I had to do was guide and assist with the plants. He even let me make 1 deer too for his scene. Then Nich and I sat down and wrote his report. Here's a copy of it:

Recently, in all 3 of my blogs, I posted my thoughts and feelings about conflict amongst friends, which I have both seen and experienced - with different friends, at different times, in my life.

What I found fascinating, were the very different responses I received from friends regarding this particular post.

One replied to my post via a vile and repugnant voice message on my phone. Another posted in one of my blogs attacking me for what they thought was post about them. Lastly, one replied to my post and said the best kind of friend is one who is honest to you when you need it and stands by you while you figure things out, and that my friend should be glad to have me as a friend and a resource.

So I'm left to wonder....

Why would friend(s) lash out at me instead of asking for clarification if they felt I made a post about them? Why would another take it for what it is, a post of what's in my head and heart?

So I'm off to ponder more...and post again soon.

Almost as bad as giving a kid some medicine...

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a countof ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down remove ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, hold cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect cat. Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


Enjoy!

33

85%

67%

60% Geek

63%

356 WATTS Body Battery Calculator - Find Out How Much Electricity Your Body is Producing -

63%

94%DRUNKARD