Walking the Long Road

Today I went through and packed up all of his clothes, but his socks. Why not his socks, because I hate folding socks!!! Everyone's socks in the house, including his, are in a big pile that I still need to go through. So those will wait for another adventuresome day.

It was not easy doing this. Actually, it totally sucked, but I put off doing this as long as I could. However, he needs them now, so it is time. I can tell you when I bought him each item. Mostly because he had a major growth spurt at the end of this past summer and he helped me pick out his clothes, but also because the others came from what I picked out for his birthday this past fall.

I was crying as I was folding each item, but I got it all done and will take it to him tonight at his dad's house. While I was doing this, I kept thinking about all the things I'm going to miss out on...from the day to day things to the big things, because he can't live with us any more. Sure, I can see him, but it is more like visiting or spending time with me, not spending time as a family, that is lost. I'm not sure how to navigate all of this now, its all uncharted. I miss him so much. I love him so much as my son. But I also hurt so much because of what he's done. Things could take a long while to resolve and none of the solutions are pretty for him (and possibly others). I still don't think he fully understands what the cost and consequences of his actions are and will be (nor does his father) and it is not my place to inform them.

All I can do is love him unconditionally and let things play out, and hopefully help him when and where it is possible and appropriate. I have to do what I can to help my other two, my husband, and myself to heal and move forward. The tears and the pain suck, but I know its part of my grieving process.

Me