Unsure and floundering
Tuesday, December 29, 2009 by The Traveler
I'm taking it day by day, sometimes moment by moment. I feel trapped inside a nightmare, not of my own choosing, desperate to get free. It's all I can do each day to wake up, get out of bed, and get going...my depression is beginning to rear its ugly head after being gone for over a year-and-half. So I just hang in there, trying to piece my life and my family's life back together again.
Yesterday was very hard, especially sitting there with the kiddos to their intakes for counseling services. To hear again and again what happened, has been weighing hard on my soul. The "shoulda, coulda, wouldas" are hitting with a vengeance right now, even though I know intellectually there isn't much more my husband and I could have done except let my son go, and even then, there would have been no guarantees. It doesn't stop the emotional side right now, so I'm holding on and waiting for this storm to pass. I'm glad the kids are feeling safe to share what happened with others, so there is hope for them. That this time will just be a tiny blip on their radar of life.
So the "now what" is one of the stages I am thinking about. Does the DA prosecute or do they just decide there is nothing to do. Either outcome will be rough. Not knowing how these types of cases are usually handled is very difficult for me. I crave knowledge and understanding so I can prepare, and right now, I have neither to guide my way.
The other stage I seem to be at is wondering what is normal and what isn't. I wonder if it is normal for a mother to want and distance herself for a while from the offending child? And I want space from everyone - I have been getting very overwhelmed and angry lately with my family and extended family....These holidays have been the worst for me. I just want to run away, be left alone, not make any more decisions, appointments, plans, schedules for anyone but myself. I don't know what or where my center is anymore and I'm impatient to figure it out and get myself back on track.
Me
Yesterday was very hard, especially sitting there with the kiddos to their intakes for counseling services. To hear again and again what happened, has been weighing hard on my soul. The "shoulda, coulda, wouldas" are hitting with a vengeance right now, even though I know intellectually there isn't much more my husband and I could have done except let my son go, and even then, there would have been no guarantees. It doesn't stop the emotional side right now, so I'm holding on and waiting for this storm to pass. I'm glad the kids are feeling safe to share what happened with others, so there is hope for them. That this time will just be a tiny blip on their radar of life.
So the "now what" is one of the stages I am thinking about. Does the DA prosecute or do they just decide there is nothing to do. Either outcome will be rough. Not knowing how these types of cases are usually handled is very difficult for me. I crave knowledge and understanding so I can prepare, and right now, I have neither to guide my way.
The other stage I seem to be at is wondering what is normal and what isn't. I wonder if it is normal for a mother to want and distance herself for a while from the offending child? And I want space from everyone - I have been getting very overwhelmed and angry lately with my family and extended family....These holidays have been the worst for me. I just want to run away, be left alone, not make any more decisions, appointments, plans, schedules for anyone but myself. I don't know what or where my center is anymore and I'm impatient to figure it out and get myself back on track.
Me
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