Thursday, January 28, 2010 by The Traveler
It's so frustrating for me right now. I know I am NOT the only mother/parent that is going through the things that I am right now, but as of right now, I have not found a single support group in my area (or even online for that matter) for my particular circumstances. I've decided that I am going to see what supports are out there for the parents of victims and pursue it that way, understanding and realizing that it is only meeting a part of my needs, if any at all.
On the other hand I learned today more information about what services are out there for one of my children. Can you say next to none...and most of what is available doesn't take insurance. So good/bad is things would have to be paid out of pocket, but you don't have to deal with privacy and insurance companies.
What seems unjust and upsetting right now is no matter what, it looks like I/me will have to pay for both victim and offender services....I'm in a no-win situation. I'm desperately trying to reframe my thoughts and think about the things that I will be providing is for the best needs of the children. However, I am extremely angry, very aggravated, and frustrated, especially since a lot of things could have been prevented/worked on if the other parent had actually done their job and parented instead of being the best friend/Disneyland/laissez faire parent. Now
I feel like I am having to fight this fight alone. I don't know where to turn to, who to go to, or what to do and it's hard, so hard, so draining, so lonely. I can't go to my husband because he is in denial, angry, and doesn't want to deal with or face/address anything. So I have to rely upon myself and figure things out. It's hard because I am getting so resentful and angry at him and want him to be there with me and share these burdens, but I can't force another to walk this path with me. I've shared my feelings and used the "I" statements, but rolling boulders uphill has been proven to be easier and more effective. What truly scares me is that there is a real possibility of these feelings becoming a rift, if not a full divide, between us. Which I know through my training and previous life experience, could be an undoing of our relationship.
So again, what to do and how to deal with it, I don't know. I know I will figure things out and it will be interesting to see what things look like when I come out on the other side of this. I am beginning to be aware that I am actually a lot stronger that I think, braver than I know, and able to maintain hope even in the face of insurmountable odds.
Me
On the other hand I learned today more information about what services are out there for one of my children. Can you say next to none...and most of what is available doesn't take insurance. So good/bad is things would have to be paid out of pocket, but you don't have to deal with privacy and insurance companies.
What seems unjust and upsetting right now is no matter what, it looks like I/me will have to pay for both victim and offender services....I'm in a no-win situation. I'm desperately trying to reframe my thoughts and think about the things that I will be providing is for the best needs of the children. However, I am extremely angry, very aggravated, and frustrated, especially since a lot of things could have been prevented/worked on if the other parent had actually done their job and parented instead of being the best friend/Disneyland/laissez faire parent. Now
I feel like I am having to fight this fight alone. I don't know where to turn to, who to go to, or what to do and it's hard, so hard, so draining, so lonely. I can't go to my husband because he is in denial, angry, and doesn't want to deal with or face/address anything. So I have to rely upon myself and figure things out. It's hard because I am getting so resentful and angry at him and want him to be there with me and share these burdens, but I can't force another to walk this path with me. I've shared my feelings and used the "I" statements, but rolling boulders uphill has been proven to be easier and more effective. What truly scares me is that there is a real possibility of these feelings becoming a rift, if not a full divide, between us. Which I know through my training and previous life experience, could be an undoing of our relationship.
So again, what to do and how to deal with it, I don't know. I know I will figure things out and it will be interesting to see what things look like when I come out on the other side of this. I am beginning to be aware that I am actually a lot stronger that I think, braver than I know, and able to maintain hope even in the face of insurmountable odds.
Me
Posts
I do know that depending on how things proceed legally, their are victims counseling funds that are set up so victims of such tramas can get the help they need. Talk to the DA's office if things head in that direction.
I'm not surprised you haven't found a support group because there are so many social taboo issues with what your dealing with. You might have better luck putting one together yourself (I know, more work for you to do) but your contacts in the social services might be a good place to start. I know there's people out ther who can relate, they just don't know where to find you or meet.
The spouse issue, that's hard. I do know (as I'm sure you do to) that people handle or grieve in different ways. Is he blaming you because he isn't the father of both children, potenitally. Stan went through a lot of that with mom, Jon and Mike. Family counseling if everyone will go is importnant as you know because you are all part of a family which means you do everything together good or bad. It takes courage to own up to your feelings and deal with them, and often people who had not had a lot of difficult experences have a hard time relating, changing and having courage. Stick by the decisions you feel strongly about. Sometimes in marriage, only one spouse sees the complete picture and has long term vision.
Sorry, this is a book, but I want you to know you're not alone. If I can do anything, let me know. I love you!!