Walking the Long Road

Got the mail today and received the news I've been waiting for with trepidation for about a month now. Charged with 2 felony counts and court will be in a little less than a month. I only found out about the specific charges because they sent me both letters instead of sending the one to the other parent's house. So I had to drive it over there and have an hour long (and heated at times) discussion about what was in the papers and what to expect and/or plan for.

It's so hard to think and feel much except for sadness...sadness that things have come down to this and their life has changed for ever. All I can hope and pray is that things will work out for the best. It's hard for me to accept that things are truly out of my hands and all I can do is mentally and emotionally prepare for the unknown. Will they be put on probation and ordered intensive counseling, or out-of-home placement/residential treatment, or will the system be draconian and order them incarcerated with no hope for help? I want a crystal ball, I want the answers, I hate living with uncertainty. But uncertainty is going to be a new companion, so if I want to retain my sanity, I will have to find a way to embrace, if not that, accept more uncertainty.

I strongly believe that if they get the appropriate help now and assistance with their other needs, this will never, ever, happen again. How I can convince others of this and stress that this is what needs to happen, I don't know. I'm fighting a losing battle with the other parent. Their goals are to not have to spend anything or be made to do anything. How could I have made such a crappy choice when I decided way back in the day to get married to them and all that followed.

I'm so scared and there is so little information out there for me. It also sucks that I don't have any money to hire someone to help me. I wish I knew where to go and whom to talk with that could provide something for me and my family and make sure we would all be taken care of in the most appropriate manner. So I will do the best that I can and figure out what I can do.

Me

It's so frustrating for me right now. I know I am NOT the only mother/parent that is going through the things that I am right now, but as of right now, I have not found a single support group in my area (or even online for that matter) for my particular circumstances. I've decided that I am going to see what supports are out there for the parents of victims and pursue it that way, understanding and realizing that it is only meeting a part of my needs, if any at all.

On the other hand I learned today more information about what services are out there for one of my children. Can you say next to none...and most of what is available doesn't take insurance. So good/bad is things would have to be paid out of pocket, but you don't have to deal with privacy and insurance companies.

What seems unjust and upsetting right now is no matter what, it looks like I/me will have to pay for both victim and offender services....I'm in a no-win situation. I'm desperately trying to reframe my thoughts and think about the things that I will be providing is for the best needs of the children. However, I am extremely angry, very aggravated, and frustrated, especially since a lot of things could have been prevented/worked on if the other parent had actually done their job and parented instead of being the best friend/Disneyland/laissez faire parent. Now

I feel like I am having to fight this fight alone. I don't know where to turn to, who to go to, or what to do and it's hard, so hard, so draining, so lonely. I can't go to my husband because he is in denial, angry, and doesn't want to deal with or face/address anything. So I have to rely upon myself and figure things out. It's hard because I am getting so resentful and angry at him and want him to be there with me and share these burdens, but I can't force another to walk this path with me. I've shared my feelings and used the "I" statements, but rolling boulders uphill has been proven to be easier and more effective. What truly scares me is that there is a real possibility of these feelings becoming a rift, if not a full divide, between us. Which I know through my training and previous life experience, could be an undoing of our relationship.

So again, what to do and how to deal with it, I don't know. I know I will figure things out and it will be interesting to see what things look like when I come out on the other side of this. I am beginning to be aware that I am actually a lot stronger that I think, braver than I know, and able to maintain hope even in the face of insurmountable odds.

Me

This symbol repeatedly has come to symbolize me and my life. Why a Phoenix? Because...according to various legends/myths...out of the ashes of its former self, it rises, reborn to live anew, till it becomes time for the cycle to circle back.

I have begun to sense that this time is coming again on a grand scale - metaphorically speaking - the ending of my way of current life, a way of being, is coming to and end....thus soon it will be a time for new beginnings.

This is the first time I have been fully conscious of this process happening.

The last time I went through this process, was the beginning of 2001 through early 2002...as my marriage fell apart; as I became pregnant with my second child; as I moved out on my own, alone, for the first time ever in my life at the age of 27 yo; as I became a single parent; as I continued on with college and found my calling in social work; as I began to take control over my life and stopped letting my past traumas and abuses haunt my life; as well as not letting others dictate how I should or should not be.

I got my Phoenix tattoo then...at the very beginning of that process...unaware at the time, of what it fully meant and would come to mean and symbolize to me.

I have to ponder and think some more on this new insight I've gained today, as is my nature, but I am getting the deep sense that this is going to be an interesting and unique time.

Me

Today ended up being one of the down days. I've managed to mask most of it, but brief glimpses of sadness leaked out of the seems of the "normal facade" that I have put in place to get through each day of my life.

I went with him to another one of his regular medical appointments this afternoon. It was so hard at the end for me. He's going to lose his medical insurance at the end of the month and there isn't anything I can do about it unless I lie and play games (and hope/pray I wouldn't get caught). I wish I was one of those people that could lie and deceive and not think twice about the consequences, but I can't, that isn't me, so I am stuck, doing the right thing and it is miserable. I have suggested to his father to apply to the state for medical assistance, but I know his father will "make" too much to qualify for state assistance, if he even bothers applying for it. I won't be in a position to even qualify for medical until I get a job after school is done in May. The one person in this entire family that absolutely must have health insurance is going to most likely end up without. All because of his stupid, dumb, poor choices and actions. I'm so mad at him. I had it all planned out so my family and I would be provided for in all areas, during this time I wouldn't be working, and going to grad school. But it didn't turn out that way. I'm stretching every ounce of medical supply we have to make sure he has enough to last as long as possible for when he is without medical, but there are no guarantees. Additionally, I've budgeted to the bone and I don't have any $$ left to cover anything out of pocket, so I can't pay for anything, which is what I think will end up happening about April or May.

So, it will fall to his father to do something, but I know how that is going to be...like pissing in the wind. He won't be willing or even try to do it, because its going to cost him money and hurt his play $$. (Begin sarcasm)Great news!!! You get what you have always wanted asshole ex-husband!!! Our son gets to be so "strong" and you won't have to keep our son on his medications...and guess what, you can take him to the hospital when he has his asthma attacks and can't breathe, you can take him to the hospital when he gets suicidal again. You can deal with all the drama at school, when he is sent to alternative placement and/or expelled....Hang on folks, this is going to be so exciting to watch....How to help a child self-destruct in 3 months or less....(end sarcasm).

The other bad news for me today was also with my son. My son stated basically that his dad was going to hit him with the belt for each assignment he forgets/forgot to do. How stupid does can an adult be??!?! How is beating a child (or any person for that matter)for any reason including their forgetfulness, ESPECIALLY when they have a diagnosed memory based learning disorder, going to teach them anything or help them remember to do something???? HELLOOOOOO!!!!

My ex is so stupid - you can't beat a person into remembering to do something!!! It would be like me hitting and beating up my ex because he never remembers to take our son to his medical and other appointments on time if at all... so that I could reinforce in his mind for the next appointment not to be late or miss them....sorry that kind of logic doesn't work or make sense but that is the STUPID logic he uses. Its the sign of a stupid and immature parent. He's taken the parenting classes, but obviously the elevator stopped well below the top....and he is most likely too self-absorbed to really give a shit about his son. "But he would do ANYTHING for his son" or so he helps loudly telling me.

All I could do was point out to my son that that isn't supposed to happen, thanked him for feeling safe enough to share it with me, and let him know that if it does happen, he needs to let an adult know such as his resource person at school, a teacher, his counselor, and/or even me. (All I can and will do if he tells me is report it to CPS). At this point the kid is 12 and well past the age of "spankings"/"beatings", in addition to no corporal punishment being written into the custody papers. The kid is in a no-win situation and if CPS does get involved, he would go to foster care unless someone like an aunt/uncle might be able to take him in. He can't come back here, because untreated, he's a danger to the other two.

So I have to sit back and watch my son's life further implode and I can't run in and rescue him. Hell, there is really not much I can do except try and be a positive, supportive, and loving person. So many things are out of my hands and I hate it!!! This is all so wrong and unfair. It wasn't supposed to be like this!!!! I can't change anything or do anything more than what I am doing and it so fucking hurts, I can't stand it. I just want to scream and beat on things and get these feelings out!!! I just want things to be like they were before this latest round of crap in December. It's so not fair. I wanted to be his mom and there for all life has to offer of it, but instead, I am relegated to the sidelines, doing what ever I can, but feeling like it is way too little and doesn't mean much of a damn thing.

I hate this, I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm sad, and I'm lonely. I've got no one to talk to that understands even a smidgen of this hell I'm in. So I keep holding on, praying I and my family will make it through to another side...but what really sucks is this journey down this unknown path has only begun....

Me

Today I went through and packed up all of his clothes, but his socks. Why not his socks, because I hate folding socks!!! Everyone's socks in the house, including his, are in a big pile that I still need to go through. So those will wait for another adventuresome day.

It was not easy doing this. Actually, it totally sucked, but I put off doing this as long as I could. However, he needs them now, so it is time. I can tell you when I bought him each item. Mostly because he had a major growth spurt at the end of this past summer and he helped me pick out his clothes, but also because the others came from what I picked out for his birthday this past fall.

I was crying as I was folding each item, but I got it all done and will take it to him tonight at his dad's house. While I was doing this, I kept thinking about all the things I'm going to miss out on...from the day to day things to the big things, because he can't live with us any more. Sure, I can see him, but it is more like visiting or spending time with me, not spending time as a family, that is lost. I'm not sure how to navigate all of this now, its all uncharted. I miss him so much. I love him so much as my son. But I also hurt so much because of what he's done. Things could take a long while to resolve and none of the solutions are pretty for him (and possibly others). I still don't think he fully understands what the cost and consequences of his actions are and will be (nor does his father) and it is not my place to inform them.

All I can do is love him unconditionally and let things play out, and hopefully help him when and where it is possible and appropriate. I have to do what I can to help my other two, my husband, and myself to heal and move forward. The tears and the pain suck, but I know its part of my grieving process.

Me