Walking the Long Road

The thought came to me again and again, how hard must I keep fighting, why won't people do anything. I am so tired of this. Am I doing the right thing, going in the right direction?

My son needs an evaluation, if not treatment, for the behaviors that got him into trouble back in December 2009. I've been asking, questioning, talking, and trying with nothing more done, than to for a treatment "professional" to finally say okay - he needs to see a specific provider. Now we are back to the damn waiting game for said specific provider to call us back. Maddening part is my child may be losing his health insurance in the middle of all of this, so then we are back to where we were over a year ago. I just don't know if I have the fight within me to see that he gets help so he might have a better life, full of choices and opportunities, a future. I wonder if it is even worth it or if I should just forget and try to move on. I don't know the answer anymore.

When I signed up to be a parent 14 years ago, no where in my readings and conversations with others, did it come up about how hard and long of a fight things could be if you have a child with multiple levels of special needs. I thought I was going to have the most perfect child after all, I had prenatal care, ate well, didn't drink or smoke, worked regularly, was in good health. No one discussed our family's genetics, mental health issues, and learning disabilities, it was just presumed that since me and my other siblings grew up "okay", all our children would be fine. Unfortunately that was not the case and here I am looking back and thinking about the future.

When is it okay as a parent to settle? When is it okay to just say I guess we tried, let's move on, hope for the best? When is it time to say, let's keep at it?

I don't know anymore and am almost too tired to care. Meaning, I need more time to think.

Me

I had forgotten the power of just being able to put things down in writing can be therapeutic in and of itself. Yesterday after I had finished my thoughts, new thoughts and feelings came to my mind and validated for me that my old process still works. I was finally able to let some things go and feel more relief and a little bit of clarity. I guess I just had to formally do some housekeeping in my mind and spirit.

Clarity for me was realizing that my passion is more than just helping others help themselves (empowerment and self-efficacy), it's about understanding why things are they way they are and then following up with the question or questions of just because it is this or that way, should it be and depending on the answer what needs to be done differently and how do we get there (research and challenging authority and the status quo). It's also about removing or eliminating barriers (equality); making things that are wrong - right, again, or right, now (social justice); and teaching others about these things so they can go forth and carry things on.

Some of this can be done through counseling and the approach I try to take in helping people identify and use their tools and strengths to help themselves and make the changes they want in their life, as well as through empowering people to believe they can do it and that they have the skills to do it (self-efficacy). Yet I want to do more, working on a direct level isn't where my passion lies. I know anything I put my mind and heart into, I am good at. Over the past day, I am finally recalling why I made the choice in the past to go into direct practice, instead of going straight into policy or "PAC". I needed to understand the practical, real-world piece of being in the direct practice trenches in order to be able to make more informed decisions and choices when I finally reached a position of influence and leadership. I've been gaining this experience, at times painfully, over the past 1.5 years. I am now becoming aware of how it will help me do what I want to do in the future. I want to run my own business, I want to make policy changes, I want to do research, I want to teach, I want to do things on more of mezzo and macro level and not just at the micro level.

Yes these things are all possible to do as a social worker, that's why I love this profession, yet unfortunately, there isn't the pay or influence in just being a social worker and I don't see that changing anytime in the near-term (for many reasons, political and professional - a conversation for another posting, another time). I want to do not only well professionally, I also want to be able to make a decent and sustainable wages and benefits for my family as well, something I'm really struggling with as a social worker. For some, it may seem that I'm being haughty or prideful; myself I see it as I'm being realistic and pragmatic, something I've generally always been good at. I realize somethings need to change and only I can create this change that I am desiring. I feel I need something more from outside of my profession in order to make the changes I feel are needed to this profession and other areas.

A wise family-member-to-be said to me recently, you've got to have a specific job in mind before you take on any more advanced education and I've been working on developing that job in my head. I'm not ready to put to much down on paper yet as it is still in its infancy. I know I am good at working with children and to some extent their families. I am able to use my skills to be genuine and honest which allows people to open up and be themselves. I have become a better listener and have become more perceptive to what people bring to me below the surface of their words. I can bring people together and I can also drive them apart. I can calm down a situation as well as energize it up. I can move about different groups and cultures and people and be culturally sensitive, respectful, and mindful. I love to learn and try out new things and I have a head for numbers and facts. I am able to create processes and procedures and I'm very intuitive when it comes to computer software/programs. It's taking my life experiences and those of some of my family members and using them to guide me through processes These are things honed from a variety of life and work experiences and things that make me, me. The job I have and will do will allow me to use all these things and more. I have a feeling, a sense if you will about the type of job to pursue, the details of it will come to me the more I prepare. I am confident and feeling strongly that in order to do these things and more, I need to go back to college for some additional, specific training.

I've resolved myself to doing what I need to do to get through the next couple of years in order to get my finances further in order so I can go back to school. I've decided that I will keep doing what little I can to create change at my work place for things that I feel will make me a better therapist/counselor, yet at the same time sit with things the way they are and not take it personal anymore; be like water flowing off of a duck's back. I will set and hold to more firm boundaries regarding my family and personal time that I will not set aside just because someone else has a need at work. I can be flexible, but there is such a thing as being too flexible and that is where I have been. I will also keep looking at options to see if other things that come up job wise will be a better fit for me and my family and our needs, but I won't let it consume me. If I don't find anything, that's okay too. No matter what, I am going to keep the focus on getting my two+ years of clinical supervision and work through the games and challenges of working for community mental health/behavioral health providers and move on. I am going to be more focused on networking and growing my professional contacts, especially since this may be the only way I can find another job during this down economy.

I feel like I am shedding the weight of the past that has surrounded me for the longest time. I am growing and developing, which has been very painful and like anything else that needs to be refined, what must occur in order to create and make better.

My musings have ended for the moment.

Note to self: I will have to print out part of this post and put it up on my wall at home to remind me of what it is I am doing and my purpose. I need to find a picture of water coming off of a duck to remind me :-) as well.

Me

I've been struggling with so many things for what seems like an eternity, from work to my son, from finances to hopes and dreams, that I now feel all wrung out. Most days have been melancholy, my thoughts floating on a sea of gray, just going through the motions to make it to another day. Yet, more often of late, some of my thoughts have been downright dark and stormy, the darkest of the dark, where I was grasping at anything to slow my descent into the abyss. I've been wishing my struggles were lighter, longing for relief of any kind. Fortunately or unfortunately, my body reached a stopping point this week and I got sick.

Doctor said it could be a cold or allergies based on my achy neck, runny nose, and semi-sore throat, and general feeling of being run down and they also noted strep exposure since my son got Dx with it earlier this week, but they weren't sure. I don't really care what I have, except that it has been so difficult because of how fatigued I have felt this entire time. It's like I could sleep for days, yet my body won't let me. So I called into work and have spent the last couple of days trying to recuperate. All this down time has left me with lots of things I can waste time on like Facebook, however, it has left me with more time to think.

I've been reflecting on where I am at in my life, what I want, what I don't want, what I can or cannot do about things. Things are not certainly what I would have expected when I was dreaming and hoping what my life would be like now, two years ago in graduate school. I had hoped I would be doing something I love, for a company that I could enjoy being a part of, with my family doing all of the things family's do.

How different are my dreams from then, to my reality of today. I enjoy being a counselor, but I cannot say right now that I love it. I am almost to the point of hating the company I am working for, and my family is fractured, yet slowly healing in pieces, though so much more work needs to be done.

So what does this all mean I've been wondering? What are my goals? What do I really want out of life and what am I willing to do to achieve them?

I really don't know and that is the strangest part of my reality right now.

In the past I've been able to look at things and consider all the options; get input from others; meditate; make a final gut check about what to do, where to head, who to talk to, etc.; take action; and then evaluate/reassess and begin process anew.

Right now I'm stuck. I've not been able to get through the meditation and final gut checks. It feels like I've been stuck for months and just floundering in some kind of circular logic. Which has lead me to start to second guess myself, my process, my motivations, even my sanity, as well as be frustrated, angry, and upset. Am I asking the wrong questions? Am I looking at the wrong areas? What am I supposed to do?

I think I had some misguided or naive notion that when I went to work out of graduate school, I would find some place that would continue to shape and mold me and allow me to grow and develop into the best counselor/therapist I could be. Instead, I've gone from putting out one fire after another, to cleaning up mess after mess, after mess left behind by other so called "professionals", to doing the things that no one else wants to or will do. I've been dealing with not feeling as respected and not being treated as professionally as I see my peers at work being treated. I feel taken advantage of and used, neither in nice ways. I feel like people are blowing smoke up my ass telling me how "good" of a therapist/counselor I am, yet I know so little and I am receiving so little guidance. I want to do no harm and am unsure if the clinical decisions I make are correct or the right ones. I'm losing my passion and drive for counseling/therapy.

I feel that I could handle everything else on my plate right now, if only my work life stabilized, if I could just figure things out. I know that I want what my fellow therapists have at the office that I don't have in regards to working conditions. I fucking hate double speak, where I'm told I have to do something, but given no support to do it, and told to take care of it on my own time. I realize I'm exempt, but give me a break, it's not a license to use and abuse me. I want consistent clinical supervision. I detest being a pawn in others games, I detest feeling disrespected and put upon and not getting my needs met.

All I feel like doing at my job now is going through the motions, doing the barest minimum, doing what ever it takes to get my clinical supervision so I can then get my independent license. I'm looking for work and have put applications and cover letters in at several places. Things are slim right now though with all the layoffs that have been happening. I've looked at going to work up where my mother is, in her area, however, things don't appear to be much better there with the chance of layoffs in the future if they don't reduce their workforce through attrition in other areas but children's services and there are additional considerations involving my children, their educational and socialemotional needs, and me being away from my oldest child. I'm not sure I want to go through all of that at this time.

I meditate at night on "clarity", I've taken this time I've been sick at home thinking about "clarity", nothing is coming to me. I wonder if I should just give up trying to find an answer and just go through the motions, yet I know myself, I cannot be a shell of who I am and what I believe in and value. So there again I am at my circle. Walk away from thinking about things and just let things be - conflicted and no resolution. Keep going around and around, trying different questions - more conflict, no resolution.

I know no matter what, I want to get my student loans paid off and go back to school, maybe a PhD for research and teaching and/or a law degree for the areas of education/disability and LD.

Tonight, I am going to take a little break from all my thinking and allow for a solution to come to me. I know need to figure out my passion(s) and what I want to do. I need to look at what it is I like, why do I like it, and how I can do more of it. For there my answers lie.

Me