Walking the Long Road

Another day filled with tears. A day that was spent only being able to briefly tell a friend we will be here for them, even if it takes a couple of years. A day spent being angry about people, dishonesty, and hopelessness. A day spent grieving and trying to heal hearts torn asunder and not feeling successful about it. A day spent with family. A day sleeping as much as possible to escape. A day spent with quality time with the kids, being joyful, playing games. A day watching the kids play and just being themselves. A day ending a day, a month, a year, and a decade.

This year started off with so much turmoil. Courts and custody problems, a very troubled child, a pay cut, multiple furloughs at work, money problems, struggles with completing my undergraduate internship, but things seemed to improve mid-year. I graduated college after 10 years with my bachelor's, started graduate school, lined up financial support and nailed down resources for the poor, quit my job of 6 years, started a wonderful internship, assisted my husband with going back to school. Then November came around and shit hit the fan, illnesses, a very troubled child, finals, papers, more child troubles, a friend arrested, struggling to pass classes, money problems, and a heaping pile of emotions.

It is amazing that in one year so much can happen. I can't even begin to think in depth about what this past 10 years has been like, but can recall key things like separation, bankruptcy, divorce, 2 more children, a lay-off, a new employer, furloughs, completing my 2- and 4-year degrees, remarriage, friendships, personal growth. During this past 10 years, I went from being 26 to 36 years old and in the course of that time, feeling like two totally different people, but finally coming into my own.

I can't imagine what next year is going to be like, much less what things will be like in 10...but I can hope, pray, and plan that the lessons learned will be used wisely in my future, the future of those that I love, and in my work with others.

Me

I'm taking it day by day, sometimes moment by moment. I feel trapped inside a nightmare, not of my own choosing, desperate to get free. It's all I can do each day to wake up, get out of bed, and get going...my depression is beginning to rear its ugly head after being gone for over a year-and-half. So I just hang in there, trying to piece my life and my family's life back together again.

Yesterday was very hard, especially sitting there with the kiddos to their intakes for counseling services. To hear again and again what happened, has been weighing hard on my soul. The "shoulda, coulda, wouldas" are hitting with a vengeance right now, even though I know intellectually there isn't much more my husband and I could have done except let my son go, and even then, there would have been no guarantees. It doesn't stop the emotional side right now, so I'm holding on and waiting for this storm to pass. I'm glad the kids are feeling safe to share what happened with others, so there is hope for them. That this time will just be a tiny blip on their radar of life.

So the "now what" is one of the stages I am thinking about. Does the DA prosecute or do they just decide there is nothing to do. Either outcome will be rough. Not knowing how these types of cases are usually handled is very difficult for me. I crave knowledge and understanding so I can prepare, and right now, I have neither to guide my way.

The other stage I seem to be at is wondering what is normal and what isn't. I wonder if it is normal for a mother to want and distance herself for a while from the offending child? And I want space from everyone - I have been getting very overwhelmed and angry lately with my family and extended family....These holidays have been the worst for me. I just want to run away, be left alone, not make any more decisions, appointments, plans, schedules for anyone but myself. I don't know what or where my center is anymore and I'm impatient to figure it out and get myself back on track.

Me

The emotions are still raw and painful even after 9 days. Who would have thought, certainly not I, but I've not been through much like this before. I'm managing to minimize their tumultuous nature, to project a facade of normality while amidst others, but in the alone time, in the dark, I cry, I feel, I weep, I ache. It hurts. It is pain to the depths of my soul. Some days, I don't want to awake, I just want to dream it all away, pretend my life was as before. It's ugly, it's raw, and I cannot escape. It's so hard to feel this alone, this strange, knowing but a few have walked in these shoes of mine. I want a crystal ball, I want to know how it is going to all turn out, but that will never be. So I blindly take one step after another, fumbling through my pain and grief, hoping and praying to find solid ground, to find some footing in this new state of reality.

I had hoped and hoped beyond hope, wished and wished more, planned and made plans for those plans, and prayed and begged, that with everything he had, all the help, support, interventions, and love, things would turn out for him...and his story would be different....Different from those whose stories I've seen played out before me, my whole life. But it wasn't to be....

I know a lot of the nature of the beast that has claimed my son. I am painfully familiar with its ever changing course from the heights of soaring eagles, to the depths of hell. I hate my son, I loath him, I despise him, I pity him, I'm scared for him, I miss him, I love him. I hate this duality, but I can't go back, I don't know how.

I curse this illness, this disease that has tangled his mind, this illness that has taken a hold and twisted him, and now robbed me of my son....So I sit here among the ruins and try to piece my life back together again...and that of my family.

I am constantly playing games with "what if...", wondering what I could have done differently for him and for his siblings. I'm torn up inside with guilt...what did I miss, what signs did I not see, what could I have done differently, could his actions have been prevented, and if they had been prevented would there have been a next time.... But the rational brain knows that there isn't anything I could have done differently. His choices where his to make and he made them, but it doesn't make it any easier. I wish I had a crystal ball or were omnipotent... but that is not to be...I am but a humble mother who has lost a part of herself, a part that was more precious than life itself...and so I hurt, a hurt that pales in description, and it is all I can do right now to breathe...breathe through the pain...and hold on....