Walking the Long Road

It's so frustrating for me right now. I know I am NOT the only mother/parent that is going through the things that I am right now, but as of right now, I have not found a single support group in my area (or even online for that matter) for my particular circumstances. I've decided that I am going to see what supports are out there for the parents of victims and pursue it that way, understanding and realizing that it is only meeting a part of my needs, if any at all.

On the other hand I learned today more information about what services are out there for one of my children. Can you say next to none...and most of what is available doesn't take insurance. So good/bad is things would have to be paid out of pocket, but you don't have to deal with privacy and insurance companies.

What seems unjust and upsetting right now is no matter what, it looks like I/me will have to pay for both victim and offender services....I'm in a no-win situation. I'm desperately trying to reframe my thoughts and think about the things that I will be providing is for the best needs of the children. However, I am extremely angry, very aggravated, and frustrated, especially since a lot of things could have been prevented/worked on if the other parent had actually done their job and parented instead of being the best friend/Disneyland/laissez faire parent. Now

I feel like I am having to fight this fight alone. I don't know where to turn to, who to go to, or what to do and it's hard, so hard, so draining, so lonely. I can't go to my husband because he is in denial, angry, and doesn't want to deal with or face/address anything. So I have to rely upon myself and figure things out. It's hard because I am getting so resentful and angry at him and want him to be there with me and share these burdens, but I can't force another to walk this path with me. I've shared my feelings and used the "I" statements, but rolling boulders uphill has been proven to be easier and more effective. What truly scares me is that there is a real possibility of these feelings becoming a rift, if not a full divide, between us. Which I know through my training and previous life experience, could be an undoing of our relationship.

So again, what to do and how to deal with it, I don't know. I know I will figure things out and it will be interesting to see what things look like when I come out on the other side of this. I am beginning to be aware that I am actually a lot stronger that I think, braver than I know, and able to maintain hope even in the face of insurmountable odds.

Me

Today ended up being one of the down days. I've managed to mask most of it, but brief glimpses of sadness leaked out of the seems of the "normal facade" that I have put in place to get through each day of my life.

I went with him to another one of his regular medical appointments this afternoon. It was so hard at the end for me. He's going to lose his medical insurance at the end of the month and there isn't anything I can do about it unless I lie and play games (and hope/pray I wouldn't get caught). I wish I was one of those people that could lie and deceive and not think twice about the consequences, but I can't, that isn't me, so I am stuck, doing the right thing and it is miserable. I have suggested to his father to apply to the state for medical assistance, but I know his father will "make" too much to qualify for state assistance, if he even bothers applying for it. I won't be in a position to even qualify for medical until I get a job after school is done in May. The one person in this entire family that absolutely must have health insurance is going to most likely end up without. All because of his stupid, dumb, poor choices and actions. I'm so mad at him. I had it all planned out so my family and I would be provided for in all areas, during this time I wouldn't be working, and going to grad school. But it didn't turn out that way. I'm stretching every ounce of medical supply we have to make sure he has enough to last as long as possible for when he is without medical, but there are no guarantees. Additionally, I've budgeted to the bone and I don't have any $$ left to cover anything out of pocket, so I can't pay for anything, which is what I think will end up happening about April or May.

So, it will fall to his father to do something, but I know how that is going to be...like pissing in the wind. He won't be willing or even try to do it, because its going to cost him money and hurt his play $$. (Begin sarcasm)Great news!!! You get what you have always wanted asshole ex-husband!!! Our son gets to be so "strong" and you won't have to keep our son on his medications...and guess what, you can take him to the hospital when he has his asthma attacks and can't breathe, you can take him to the hospital when he gets suicidal again. You can deal with all the drama at school, when he is sent to alternative placement and/or expelled....Hang on folks, this is going to be so exciting to watch....How to help a child self-destruct in 3 months or less....(end sarcasm).

The other bad news for me today was also with my son. My son stated basically that his dad was going to hit him with the belt for each assignment he forgets/forgot to do. How stupid does can an adult be??!?! How is beating a child (or any person for that matter)for any reason including their forgetfulness, ESPECIALLY when they have a diagnosed memory based learning disorder, going to teach them anything or help them remember to do something???? HELLOOOOOO!!!!

My ex is so stupid - you can't beat a person into remembering to do something!!! It would be like me hitting and beating up my ex because he never remembers to take our son to his medical and other appointments on time if at all... so that I could reinforce in his mind for the next appointment not to be late or miss them....sorry that kind of logic doesn't work or make sense but that is the STUPID logic he uses. Its the sign of a stupid and immature parent. He's taken the parenting classes, but obviously the elevator stopped well below the top....and he is most likely too self-absorbed to really give a shit about his son. "But he would do ANYTHING for his son" or so he helps loudly telling me.

All I could do was point out to my son that that isn't supposed to happen, thanked him for feeling safe enough to share it with me, and let him know that if it does happen, he needs to let an adult know such as his resource person at school, a teacher, his counselor, and/or even me. (All I can and will do if he tells me is report it to CPS). At this point the kid is 12 and well past the age of "spankings"/"beatings", in addition to no corporal punishment being written into the custody papers. The kid is in a no-win situation and if CPS does get involved, he would go to foster care unless someone like an aunt/uncle might be able to take him in. He can't come back here, because untreated, he's a danger to the other two.

So I have to sit back and watch my son's life further implode and I can't run in and rescue him. Hell, there is really not much I can do except try and be a positive, supportive, and loving person. So many things are out of my hands and I hate it!!! This is all so wrong and unfair. It wasn't supposed to be like this!!!! I can't change anything or do anything more than what I am doing and it so fucking hurts, I can't stand it. I just want to scream and beat on things and get these feelings out!!! I just want things to be like they were before this latest round of crap in December. It's so not fair. I wanted to be his mom and there for all life has to offer of it, but instead, I am relegated to the sidelines, doing what ever I can, but feeling like it is way too little and doesn't mean much of a damn thing.

I hate this, I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm sad, and I'm lonely. I've got no one to talk to that understands even a smidgen of this hell I'm in. So I keep holding on, praying I and my family will make it through to another side...but what really sucks is this journey down this unknown path has only begun....

Me

I'm taking it day by day, sometimes moment by moment. I feel trapped inside a nightmare, not of my own choosing, desperate to get free. It's all I can do each day to wake up, get out of bed, and get going...my depression is beginning to rear its ugly head after being gone for over a year-and-half. So I just hang in there, trying to piece my life and my family's life back together again.

Yesterday was very hard, especially sitting there with the kiddos to their intakes for counseling services. To hear again and again what happened, has been weighing hard on my soul. The "shoulda, coulda, wouldas" are hitting with a vengeance right now, even though I know intellectually there isn't much more my husband and I could have done except let my son go, and even then, there would have been no guarantees. It doesn't stop the emotional side right now, so I'm holding on and waiting for this storm to pass. I'm glad the kids are feeling safe to share what happened with others, so there is hope for them. That this time will just be a tiny blip on their radar of life.

So the "now what" is one of the stages I am thinking about. Does the DA prosecute or do they just decide there is nothing to do. Either outcome will be rough. Not knowing how these types of cases are usually handled is very difficult for me. I crave knowledge and understanding so I can prepare, and right now, I have neither to guide my way.

The other stage I seem to be at is wondering what is normal and what isn't. I wonder if it is normal for a mother to want and distance herself for a while from the offending child? And I want space from everyone - I have been getting very overwhelmed and angry lately with my family and extended family....These holidays have been the worst for me. I just want to run away, be left alone, not make any more decisions, appointments, plans, schedules for anyone but myself. I don't know what or where my center is anymore and I'm impatient to figure it out and get myself back on track.

Me

The emotions are still raw and painful even after 9 days. Who would have thought, certainly not I, but I've not been through much like this before. I'm managing to minimize their tumultuous nature, to project a facade of normality while amidst others, but in the alone time, in the dark, I cry, I feel, I weep, I ache. It hurts. It is pain to the depths of my soul. Some days, I don't want to awake, I just want to dream it all away, pretend my life was as before. It's ugly, it's raw, and I cannot escape. It's so hard to feel this alone, this strange, knowing but a few have walked in these shoes of mine. I want a crystal ball, I want to know how it is going to all turn out, but that will never be. So I blindly take one step after another, fumbling through my pain and grief, hoping and praying to find solid ground, to find some footing in this new state of reality.

I had hoped and hoped beyond hope, wished and wished more, planned and made plans for those plans, and prayed and begged, that with everything he had, all the help, support, interventions, and love, things would turn out for him...and his story would be different....Different from those whose stories I've seen played out before me, my whole life. But it wasn't to be....

I know a lot of the nature of the beast that has claimed my son. I am painfully familiar with its ever changing course from the heights of soaring eagles, to the depths of hell. I hate my son, I loath him, I despise him, I pity him, I'm scared for him, I miss him, I love him. I hate this duality, but I can't go back, I don't know how.

I curse this illness, this disease that has tangled his mind, this illness that has taken a hold and twisted him, and now robbed me of my son....So I sit here among the ruins and try to piece my life back together again...and that of my family.

I am constantly playing games with "what if...", wondering what I could have done differently for him and for his siblings. I'm torn up inside with guilt...what did I miss, what signs did I not see, what could I have done differently, could his actions have been prevented, and if they had been prevented would there have been a next time.... But the rational brain knows that there isn't anything I could have done differently. His choices where his to make and he made them, but it doesn't make it any easier. I wish I had a crystal ball or were omnipotent... but that is not to be...I am but a humble mother who has lost a part of herself, a part that was more precious than life itself...and so I hurt, a hurt that pales in description, and it is all I can do right now to breathe...breathe through the pain...and hold on....