Walking the Long Road

I had forgotten the power of just being able to put things down in writing can be therapeutic in and of itself. Yesterday after I had finished my thoughts, new thoughts and feelings came to my mind and validated for me that my old process still works. I was finally able to let some things go and feel more relief and a little bit of clarity. I guess I just had to formally do some housekeeping in my mind and spirit.

Clarity for me was realizing that my passion is more than just helping others help themselves (empowerment and self-efficacy), it's about understanding why things are they way they are and then following up with the question or questions of just because it is this or that way, should it be and depending on the answer what needs to be done differently and how do we get there (research and challenging authority and the status quo). It's also about removing or eliminating barriers (equality); making things that are wrong - right, again, or right, now (social justice); and teaching others about these things so they can go forth and carry things on.

Some of this can be done through counseling and the approach I try to take in helping people identify and use their tools and strengths to help themselves and make the changes they want in their life, as well as through empowering people to believe they can do it and that they have the skills to do it (self-efficacy). Yet I want to do more, working on a direct level isn't where my passion lies. I know anything I put my mind and heart into, I am good at. Over the past day, I am finally recalling why I made the choice in the past to go into direct practice, instead of going straight into policy or "PAC". I needed to understand the practical, real-world piece of being in the direct practice trenches in order to be able to make more informed decisions and choices when I finally reached a position of influence and leadership. I've been gaining this experience, at times painfully, over the past 1.5 years. I am now becoming aware of how it will help me do what I want to do in the future. I want to run my own business, I want to make policy changes, I want to do research, I want to teach, I want to do things on more of mezzo and macro level and not just at the micro level.

Yes these things are all possible to do as a social worker, that's why I love this profession, yet unfortunately, there isn't the pay or influence in just being a social worker and I don't see that changing anytime in the near-term (for many reasons, political and professional - a conversation for another posting, another time). I want to do not only well professionally, I also want to be able to make a decent and sustainable wages and benefits for my family as well, something I'm really struggling with as a social worker. For some, it may seem that I'm being haughty or prideful; myself I see it as I'm being realistic and pragmatic, something I've generally always been good at. I realize somethings need to change and only I can create this change that I am desiring. I feel I need something more from outside of my profession in order to make the changes I feel are needed to this profession and other areas.

A wise family-member-to-be said to me recently, you've got to have a specific job in mind before you take on any more advanced education and I've been working on developing that job in my head. I'm not ready to put to much down on paper yet as it is still in its infancy. I know I am good at working with children and to some extent their families. I am able to use my skills to be genuine and honest which allows people to open up and be themselves. I have become a better listener and have become more perceptive to what people bring to me below the surface of their words. I can bring people together and I can also drive them apart. I can calm down a situation as well as energize it up. I can move about different groups and cultures and people and be culturally sensitive, respectful, and mindful. I love to learn and try out new things and I have a head for numbers and facts. I am able to create processes and procedures and I'm very intuitive when it comes to computer software/programs. It's taking my life experiences and those of some of my family members and using them to guide me through processes These are things honed from a variety of life and work experiences and things that make me, me. The job I have and will do will allow me to use all these things and more. I have a feeling, a sense if you will about the type of job to pursue, the details of it will come to me the more I prepare. I am confident and feeling strongly that in order to do these things and more, I need to go back to college for some additional, specific training.

I've resolved myself to doing what I need to do to get through the next couple of years in order to get my finances further in order so I can go back to school. I've decided that I will keep doing what little I can to create change at my work place for things that I feel will make me a better therapist/counselor, yet at the same time sit with things the way they are and not take it personal anymore; be like water flowing off of a duck's back. I will set and hold to more firm boundaries regarding my family and personal time that I will not set aside just because someone else has a need at work. I can be flexible, but there is such a thing as being too flexible and that is where I have been. I will also keep looking at options to see if other things that come up job wise will be a better fit for me and my family and our needs, but I won't let it consume me. If I don't find anything, that's okay too. No matter what, I am going to keep the focus on getting my two+ years of clinical supervision and work through the games and challenges of working for community mental health/behavioral health providers and move on. I am going to be more focused on networking and growing my professional contacts, especially since this may be the only way I can find another job during this down economy.

I feel like I am shedding the weight of the past that has surrounded me for the longest time. I am growing and developing, which has been very painful and like anything else that needs to be refined, what must occur in order to create and make better.

My musings have ended for the moment.

Note to self: I will have to print out part of this post and put it up on my wall at home to remind me of what it is I am doing and my purpose. I need to find a picture of water coming off of a duck to remind me :-) as well.

Me

I've been struggling with so many things for what seems like an eternity, from work to my son, from finances to hopes and dreams, that I now feel all wrung out. Most days have been melancholy, my thoughts floating on a sea of gray, just going through the motions to make it to another day. Yet, more often of late, some of my thoughts have been downright dark and stormy, the darkest of the dark, where I was grasping at anything to slow my descent into the abyss. I've been wishing my struggles were lighter, longing for relief of any kind. Fortunately or unfortunately, my body reached a stopping point this week and I got sick.

Doctor said it could be a cold or allergies based on my achy neck, runny nose, and semi-sore throat, and general feeling of being run down and they also noted strep exposure since my son got Dx with it earlier this week, but they weren't sure. I don't really care what I have, except that it has been so difficult because of how fatigued I have felt this entire time. It's like I could sleep for days, yet my body won't let me. So I called into work and have spent the last couple of days trying to recuperate. All this down time has left me with lots of things I can waste time on like Facebook, however, it has left me with more time to think.

I've been reflecting on where I am at in my life, what I want, what I don't want, what I can or cannot do about things. Things are not certainly what I would have expected when I was dreaming and hoping what my life would be like now, two years ago in graduate school. I had hoped I would be doing something I love, for a company that I could enjoy being a part of, with my family doing all of the things family's do.

How different are my dreams from then, to my reality of today. I enjoy being a counselor, but I cannot say right now that I love it. I am almost to the point of hating the company I am working for, and my family is fractured, yet slowly healing in pieces, though so much more work needs to be done.

So what does this all mean I've been wondering? What are my goals? What do I really want out of life and what am I willing to do to achieve them?

I really don't know and that is the strangest part of my reality right now.

In the past I've been able to look at things and consider all the options; get input from others; meditate; make a final gut check about what to do, where to head, who to talk to, etc.; take action; and then evaluate/reassess and begin process anew.

Right now I'm stuck. I've not been able to get through the meditation and final gut checks. It feels like I've been stuck for months and just floundering in some kind of circular logic. Which has lead me to start to second guess myself, my process, my motivations, even my sanity, as well as be frustrated, angry, and upset. Am I asking the wrong questions? Am I looking at the wrong areas? What am I supposed to do?

I think I had some misguided or naive notion that when I went to work out of graduate school, I would find some place that would continue to shape and mold me and allow me to grow and develop into the best counselor/therapist I could be. Instead, I've gone from putting out one fire after another, to cleaning up mess after mess, after mess left behind by other so called "professionals", to doing the things that no one else wants to or will do. I've been dealing with not feeling as respected and not being treated as professionally as I see my peers at work being treated. I feel taken advantage of and used, neither in nice ways. I feel like people are blowing smoke up my ass telling me how "good" of a therapist/counselor I am, yet I know so little and I am receiving so little guidance. I want to do no harm and am unsure if the clinical decisions I make are correct or the right ones. I'm losing my passion and drive for counseling/therapy.

I feel that I could handle everything else on my plate right now, if only my work life stabilized, if I could just figure things out. I know that I want what my fellow therapists have at the office that I don't have in regards to working conditions. I fucking hate double speak, where I'm told I have to do something, but given no support to do it, and told to take care of it on my own time. I realize I'm exempt, but give me a break, it's not a license to use and abuse me. I want consistent clinical supervision. I detest being a pawn in others games, I detest feeling disrespected and put upon and not getting my needs met.

All I feel like doing at my job now is going through the motions, doing the barest minimum, doing what ever it takes to get my clinical supervision so I can then get my independent license. I'm looking for work and have put applications and cover letters in at several places. Things are slim right now though with all the layoffs that have been happening. I've looked at going to work up where my mother is, in her area, however, things don't appear to be much better there with the chance of layoffs in the future if they don't reduce their workforce through attrition in other areas but children's services and there are additional considerations involving my children, their educational and socialemotional needs, and me being away from my oldest child. I'm not sure I want to go through all of that at this time.

I meditate at night on "clarity", I've taken this time I've been sick at home thinking about "clarity", nothing is coming to me. I wonder if I should just give up trying to find an answer and just go through the motions, yet I know myself, I cannot be a shell of who I am and what I believe in and value. So there again I am at my circle. Walk away from thinking about things and just let things be - conflicted and no resolution. Keep going around and around, trying different questions - more conflict, no resolution.

I know no matter what, I want to get my student loans paid off and go back to school, maybe a PhD for research and teaching and/or a law degree for the areas of education/disability and LD.

Tonight, I am going to take a little break from all my thinking and allow for a solution to come to me. I know need to figure out my passion(s) and what I want to do. I need to look at what it is I like, why do I like it, and how I can do more of it. For there my answers lie.

Me

Got the mail today and received the news I've been waiting for with trepidation for about a month now. Charged with 2 felony counts and court will be in a little less than a month. I only found out about the specific charges because they sent me both letters instead of sending the one to the other parent's house. So I had to drive it over there and have an hour long (and heated at times) discussion about what was in the papers and what to expect and/or plan for.

It's so hard to think and feel much except for sadness...sadness that things have come down to this and their life has changed for ever. All I can hope and pray is that things will work out for the best. It's hard for me to accept that things are truly out of my hands and all I can do is mentally and emotionally prepare for the unknown. Will they be put on probation and ordered intensive counseling, or out-of-home placement/residential treatment, or will the system be draconian and order them incarcerated with no hope for help? I want a crystal ball, I want the answers, I hate living with uncertainty. But uncertainty is going to be a new companion, so if I want to retain my sanity, I will have to find a way to embrace, if not that, accept more uncertainty.

I strongly believe that if they get the appropriate help now and assistance with their other needs, this will never, ever, happen again. How I can convince others of this and stress that this is what needs to happen, I don't know. I'm fighting a losing battle with the other parent. Their goals are to not have to spend anything or be made to do anything. How could I have made such a crappy choice when I decided way back in the day to get married to them and all that followed.

I'm so scared and there is so little information out there for me. It also sucks that I don't have any money to hire someone to help me. I wish I knew where to go and whom to talk with that could provide something for me and my family and make sure we would all be taken care of in the most appropriate manner. So I will do the best that I can and figure out what I can do.

Me

It's so frustrating for me right now. I know I am NOT the only mother/parent that is going through the things that I am right now, but as of right now, I have not found a single support group in my area (or even online for that matter) for my particular circumstances. I've decided that I am going to see what supports are out there for the parents of victims and pursue it that way, understanding and realizing that it is only meeting a part of my needs, if any at all.

On the other hand I learned today more information about what services are out there for one of my children. Can you say next to none...and most of what is available doesn't take insurance. So good/bad is things would have to be paid out of pocket, but you don't have to deal with privacy and insurance companies.

What seems unjust and upsetting right now is no matter what, it looks like I/me will have to pay for both victim and offender services....I'm in a no-win situation. I'm desperately trying to reframe my thoughts and think about the things that I will be providing is for the best needs of the children. However, I am extremely angry, very aggravated, and frustrated, especially since a lot of things could have been prevented/worked on if the other parent had actually done their job and parented instead of being the best friend/Disneyland/laissez faire parent. Now

I feel like I am having to fight this fight alone. I don't know where to turn to, who to go to, or what to do and it's hard, so hard, so draining, so lonely. I can't go to my husband because he is in denial, angry, and doesn't want to deal with or face/address anything. So I have to rely upon myself and figure things out. It's hard because I am getting so resentful and angry at him and want him to be there with me and share these burdens, but I can't force another to walk this path with me. I've shared my feelings and used the "I" statements, but rolling boulders uphill has been proven to be easier and more effective. What truly scares me is that there is a real possibility of these feelings becoming a rift, if not a full divide, between us. Which I know through my training and previous life experience, could be an undoing of our relationship.

So again, what to do and how to deal with it, I don't know. I know I will figure things out and it will be interesting to see what things look like when I come out on the other side of this. I am beginning to be aware that I am actually a lot stronger that I think, braver than I know, and able to maintain hope even in the face of insurmountable odds.

Me

Today ended up being one of the down days. I've managed to mask most of it, but brief glimpses of sadness leaked out of the seems of the "normal facade" that I have put in place to get through each day of my life.

I went with him to another one of his regular medical appointments this afternoon. It was so hard at the end for me. He's going to lose his medical insurance at the end of the month and there isn't anything I can do about it unless I lie and play games (and hope/pray I wouldn't get caught). I wish I was one of those people that could lie and deceive and not think twice about the consequences, but I can't, that isn't me, so I am stuck, doing the right thing and it is miserable. I have suggested to his father to apply to the state for medical assistance, but I know his father will "make" too much to qualify for state assistance, if he even bothers applying for it. I won't be in a position to even qualify for medical until I get a job after school is done in May. The one person in this entire family that absolutely must have health insurance is going to most likely end up without. All because of his stupid, dumb, poor choices and actions. I'm so mad at him. I had it all planned out so my family and I would be provided for in all areas, during this time I wouldn't be working, and going to grad school. But it didn't turn out that way. I'm stretching every ounce of medical supply we have to make sure he has enough to last as long as possible for when he is without medical, but there are no guarantees. Additionally, I've budgeted to the bone and I don't have any $$ left to cover anything out of pocket, so I can't pay for anything, which is what I think will end up happening about April or May.

So, it will fall to his father to do something, but I know how that is going to be...like pissing in the wind. He won't be willing or even try to do it, because its going to cost him money and hurt his play $$. (Begin sarcasm)Great news!!! You get what you have always wanted asshole ex-husband!!! Our son gets to be so "strong" and you won't have to keep our son on his medications...and guess what, you can take him to the hospital when he has his asthma attacks and can't breathe, you can take him to the hospital when he gets suicidal again. You can deal with all the drama at school, when he is sent to alternative placement and/or expelled....Hang on folks, this is going to be so exciting to watch....How to help a child self-destruct in 3 months or less....(end sarcasm).

The other bad news for me today was also with my son. My son stated basically that his dad was going to hit him with the belt for each assignment he forgets/forgot to do. How stupid does can an adult be??!?! How is beating a child (or any person for that matter)for any reason including their forgetfulness, ESPECIALLY when they have a diagnosed memory based learning disorder, going to teach them anything or help them remember to do something???? HELLOOOOOO!!!!

My ex is so stupid - you can't beat a person into remembering to do something!!! It would be like me hitting and beating up my ex because he never remembers to take our son to his medical and other appointments on time if at all... so that I could reinforce in his mind for the next appointment not to be late or miss them....sorry that kind of logic doesn't work or make sense but that is the STUPID logic he uses. Its the sign of a stupid and immature parent. He's taken the parenting classes, but obviously the elevator stopped well below the top....and he is most likely too self-absorbed to really give a shit about his son. "But he would do ANYTHING for his son" or so he helps loudly telling me.

All I could do was point out to my son that that isn't supposed to happen, thanked him for feeling safe enough to share it with me, and let him know that if it does happen, he needs to let an adult know such as his resource person at school, a teacher, his counselor, and/or even me. (All I can and will do if he tells me is report it to CPS). At this point the kid is 12 and well past the age of "spankings"/"beatings", in addition to no corporal punishment being written into the custody papers. The kid is in a no-win situation and if CPS does get involved, he would go to foster care unless someone like an aunt/uncle might be able to take him in. He can't come back here, because untreated, he's a danger to the other two.

So I have to sit back and watch my son's life further implode and I can't run in and rescue him. Hell, there is really not much I can do except try and be a positive, supportive, and loving person. So many things are out of my hands and I hate it!!! This is all so wrong and unfair. It wasn't supposed to be like this!!!! I can't change anything or do anything more than what I am doing and it so fucking hurts, I can't stand it. I just want to scream and beat on things and get these feelings out!!! I just want things to be like they were before this latest round of crap in December. It's so not fair. I wanted to be his mom and there for all life has to offer of it, but instead, I am relegated to the sidelines, doing what ever I can, but feeling like it is way too little and doesn't mean much of a damn thing.

I hate this, I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm sad, and I'm lonely. I've got no one to talk to that understands even a smidgen of this hell I'm in. So I keep holding on, praying I and my family will make it through to another side...but what really sucks is this journey down this unknown path has only begun....

Me

Another day filled with tears. A day that was spent only being able to briefly tell a friend we will be here for them, even if it takes a couple of years. A day spent being angry about people, dishonesty, and hopelessness. A day spent grieving and trying to heal hearts torn asunder and not feeling successful about it. A day spent with family. A day sleeping as much as possible to escape. A day spent with quality time with the kids, being joyful, playing games. A day watching the kids play and just being themselves. A day ending a day, a month, a year, and a decade.

This year started off with so much turmoil. Courts and custody problems, a very troubled child, a pay cut, multiple furloughs at work, money problems, struggles with completing my undergraduate internship, but things seemed to improve mid-year. I graduated college after 10 years with my bachelor's, started graduate school, lined up financial support and nailed down resources for the poor, quit my job of 6 years, started a wonderful internship, assisted my husband with going back to school. Then November came around and shit hit the fan, illnesses, a very troubled child, finals, papers, more child troubles, a friend arrested, struggling to pass classes, money problems, and a heaping pile of emotions.

It is amazing that in one year so much can happen. I can't even begin to think in depth about what this past 10 years has been like, but can recall key things like separation, bankruptcy, divorce, 2 more children, a lay-off, a new employer, furloughs, completing my 2- and 4-year degrees, remarriage, friendships, personal growth. During this past 10 years, I went from being 26 to 36 years old and in the course of that time, feeling like two totally different people, but finally coming into my own.

I can't imagine what next year is going to be like, much less what things will be like in 10...but I can hope, pray, and plan that the lessons learned will be used wisely in my future, the future of those that I love, and in my work with others.

Me

I'm still beat and school starts again in less than 2 weeks. I'm still trying to 1) find an appropriate attorney and 2) find the $ to pay for it. Sucks being at 130% of the FPL! I've only got 5 weeks till court again and I'm so screwed right now.

I'm hopeful things will work out and doing my best to try and get things to happen, but getting more anxious and nervous it won't as time goes on. I want him to be safe, secure, nurtured, loved, valued, and protected. However, there is a real chance the court will not grant me the relief I seek.

The best news I got yesterday, in spite of all the hell Derek has gone through up to the end of that horrible day this past November, he is doing better. His school is now providing him proper supports through his IEP (still have some additional testing, but that won't impact his eligibility - in fact I think it will further strengthen it), he has a good rapport and is working well with his therapist, he is trying to actively be a part of our family, and he brought his grades up and is now passing ALL subjects. Looking back over 6 weeks ago, where he had nothing but C's, D's & F's, it is really wonderful he did what he needed to do to get everything turned around and now he has A's, B's, and only 1 C. I am so proud of him and keep telling him so!

Unfortunately, he's still very anxious and has a lot of things to work through emotionally, but the person I've always believed in and known as my son is peaking out through the heavy, dark clouds that have shrouded him for so long. I just hope and pray it will continue, even if my worst case scenario happens - that he has to start spending any real length of time w/his dad, especially unsupervised.

More Later,
Me

Please get the word out and help if you can!!!

Thanks,
Leslie
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Ride with Ryken: Fundraiser to benefit the MISS Foundation, Tucson

Please share this with your friends in Arizona!

Ride with Ryken (link) http://members. cox. net/ridewithryken/

Welcome to the 1st Annual
"Ride with Ryken"
Poker Run and Silent Auction

to benefit the MISS Foundation

November 9th 2008

Tucson, Arizona

Auction at end for donated prizes!

Final Stop Party with Pig Roast!

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You Are An ISTJ

The Duty Fulfiller You are responsible, reliable, and hardworking - you get the job done. You prefer productive hobbies, like woodworking or knittings. Quiet and serious, you are well prepared for whatever life hands you. Conservative and down-to-earth, you hardly ever do anything crazy. In love, you are loyal and honest. If you commit yourself to someone, then you're fully committed. For you, love is something that happens naturally. And you don't need romantic gestures to feel loved. At work, you remember details well and are happy to take on any responsibility. You would make a great business executive, accountant, or lawyer. How you see yourself: Decisive, stable, and dependable When other people don't get you, they see you as: Boring, conservative, and egotistical

You Are An INTP

The Thinker You are analytical and logical - and on a quest to learn everything you can. Smart and complex, you always love a new intellectual challenge. Your biggest pet peeve is people who slow you down with trivial chit chat. A quiet maverick, you tend to ignore rules and authority whenever you feel like it. In love, you are an easy person to fall for. But not an easy person to stay in love with. Although you are quite flexible, you often come off as aloof or argumentative. At work, you are both a logical and creative thinker. You are great at solving problems. You would make an excellent mathematician, programmer, or professor. How you see yourself: Creative, fair, and tough-minded When other people don't get you, they see you as: arrogant, cold, and robotic